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Diagnosing BDSM

The other day during the assessment for the sex addict partner support group the therapist made a statement diagnosing my DD/lg relationship. It was clear that the ideology goes into the BDSM lifestyle in general. This sits really poorly with me!!!

I am having a hard time putting my thoughts in words adequately. I think a fair number of us who engage in various forms of BDSM have some underlying issues creating the kinks. Something happened to sexualize atypical sex acts or objects. Now let me clear that I don’t see it as wrong or bad!!!!

When I look at myself and my DD/lg dynamic, I see full well that I had a violent, frightening father who abandoned me really young. I have Daddy issues. I also have an anxiety disorder and a mood disorder. I look at being little as a positive coping skill. I have the safety and love that I should have gotten when I was biologically little. I am able to be emotionally vulnerable and honest about my feelings when I’m little in a way I can’t easily be in my adult space. I’m able to relax and let go of the stress of the world around me. Is it the best coping skill psychologically speaking? Perhaps not. But here’s the thing…. it’s an honest expression of how I feel and what I need done in the safety of a loving committed, loving relationship.

Healing our trauma through kink is something which is widely talked about. For myself, I know that to be true. I’ve been raped several times by different men and every circumstance different. In the course of living a kinky lifestyle, I’ve had the opportunity to have full consent over what I engage in. Stop anytime I want. Work through feelings of helplessness, fear and learn to trust a partner sexually. It was also in the kink community where I had men tell me how wrong what happened to me was.

I’m not OK with my kinks and lifestyle being diagnosed by a doctor or therapist because I get what I need on many levels through my kinks. I’ve done enough therapy to know what underlies all my perversions and I’ve found a safe way to live in the world as a beautifully rebuilt person. I will not allow anyone to tell me that it’s wrong or try to take it away from me. Even if BDSM and my DD/lg relationship are crutches…. I love them both.

14 thoughts on “Diagnosing BDSM”

  1. This made me sigh. I’m glad you’re not going to let them define you. I don’t see anything wrong with bdsm as a healthy coping mechanism when there’s full knowledge and awareness (without it, it’s definitely a problem). And I’m sure there are those in the scene without any prior circumstances creating those needs…

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  2. A lot of people could learn plenty from the way you have dealt with your trauma(s). Well done for refusing to have your hard earned mental stability torn down and ‘diagnosed’.
    I have kinks, I am proud of them, are they crutches? no I don’t think so, I also don’t believe yours are either. I believe you have found the exact space you need to be in to survive and live happily in a very messed up world. That is not a crutch, it is a happily working solution. Congratulations. Many people never find that kind of peace in their lives. xx

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  3. Okay, as someone who didn’t experience trauma in her younger years, I mentally regress because I ENJOY it, NOT because there’s something wrong with me! If your therapist thinks they’re going to ‘fix your little/submissive’ boy are they barking up the wrong tree! 🤬😡

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    1. Thanks. i shared the info so that Daddy and i can work our way back to a really fulfilling relationship on ALL levels. If i’d anticipated the judgment i’d have kept my mouth shut. There are lots of kink positive therapists.

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  5. Have you communicated to this therapist how their comments made you feel?? I agree with everyone else, no one should feel shamed when in therapy. I think your bdsm lifestyle is such a positive in your life. It allows you and your hubby to grow together!

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    1. I haven’t yet, but I will. Stephen and I have our first joint session this week. We’ll address it jointly then. This therapist will be his personal therapist and lead the partner support group which I’ll be in. Stephen and I had a good talk about it after my session with her.

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  6. Thank you for this. I couldn’t agree more. We have talked about this but I roo was raped several times and feel that I genuinely cannot have vanilla sex. It triggers me way more than kinky sex ever could. Vanilla makes me abundantly aware of everything whereas kink makes me slip into a different state of mind.

    We are all fucked up in one way or another. There’s no normal anymore. No one has any right to tell you or anyone else that what you’re doing is wrong. What’s right for you is right for you.

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    1. Now I have to watch that movie!! Thank you for this film recommendation. I have always thought Wonder Woman to be a fantasy many men desire, but could never handle in real life. Too strong and independent. Seems Marsten was the same!

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