There is so much talk about aftercare in the BDSM community. For starters, aftercare is something which every sexual person, vanilla and otherwise, has a need or desire for in some form or another. We simply have a neat little term for it. 😉
Not too long ago a young sub asked a group I belong to if aftercare is mandatory. I was surprised by how similar all of the answers were. A resounding yes to cuddling. As usual, I was the lone wolf sharing that my needs and desires for aftercare depend widely on what the scene is, how deep I went into subspace (if at all) and my emotional connection to my partner.
The other day Daddy and i had a serious quickie before He went to work. My wants and needs for aftercare were very different than when we’ve had long scenes pulling me deep into subspace where it takes me an hour to fully return to the land of the living. In the instance of the quickie a kiss and a shared bottle of water were sufficient to go about our day. Other times my need is for constant physical contact until my body and emotions are back in balance. There are others yet, where the need is massaging joints and rubbing lotion into my burnt skin following candle wax play and being restrained.
Over the years I’ve talked to lots and lots of people who want and need such a wide variety of things as aftercare. Some want their partner to stay away from them, while others want closeness. Some want their partners to clean them up while others prefer to shower themselves… with or without their partner. The wants and needs are as varied as the people and the scenes they’ve been in… kinky and vanilla.
The only consistent things I’ve found about my own needs are that it depends entirely on how deep I went into subspace, how intense the scene was and how emotionally attached I am to my partner. I think it’s hard to talk about whether aftercare is mandatory without looking at what each person considers aftercare and under what circumstances. Different kinks and scenes have different needs on top of dealing with the emotional needs of both parties.
I think every sub has a pretty good idea of what their needs are. Daddy and i have had many talks about aftercare, but I want to pose the question to Him specifically about what His needs are and when. Stopping to really think and dissect it helps understand what’s going on more.
By all means, I’d love to hear your thoughts on aftercare from both sides of the slash. How you negotiate it. How does it change in different situations?