Nostalgia Lost

Despite the heartbreak and all the pain that went with my first love, there has always been a bit of nostalgia where he was concerned. He was my first everything. We had a whirlwind romance that sadly ended in divorce when we really shouldn’t have dated in the first place. We were just too different in every way. Regardless… he’s my first.

In my mind he has always been the 24/25 year old man that I was with. Tall, handsome and still very much a Marine, though he was a couple years out.

Our wedding anniversary was January 22, 1991. This would have been 30 years. It’s been a really long time since it’s meant anything more than a marker of time, but I always remember.

For the first time in all these years I decided to see if I could find him , a photo, anything about what happened to him. Sadly, I found it. I say sadly, because what I found took any ounce of nostalgia out of remembering him. The photos of him I saw are anything but the man I once loved. I knew that 30 years had gone by and expected him to age. I didn’t expect him to gain 300 pounds and be barely recognizable.

When I’ve thought of him, I’ve always hoped that he made a happy life for himself. I expected him to have the typical “Dad body” of a man in his mid 50’s. Seeing that he’s happily married for 13 years is great. Seeing what she looks like surprised me just as much. I suppose it shouldn’t have, but it did.

As I end this post, I guess I’m finally sealing a chapter in my life. It’s not just about what he looks like, it’s the reality of the people we’ve become and how far our lives have gone adrift. There is nothing left to reminisce about. The final closure. It just took 30 years.

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