The Beginning of the End

I’ve been married 4 times and my pattern for leaving always takes a similar path. Sadly, I’ve started down the path to leaving Stephen.

Stephen hasn’t been willing to actively work to get his sex addiction under control. He’s lied to me, his therapist and has continued with his cheating. Cyber sex with other people recently. hundreds of hours looking at pictures, watching porn, searching out pictures to post, posting pictures of me without my consent, maintaining hook-up type profiles, posting sex pictures with his exes without their consent, maintaining questionable relationships with exes and fuck buddies while refusing to give them up. The list goes on. His sex life is with his cell phone and his imagination. I’m left out of the loop alone and being cheated on while being a good girl and staying faithful through it all.

Last week I gave into my gut feeling after weeks of ignoring my spidey sense and looked at his phone. Within 30 seconds I found his profiles and chats again. After a few attempts at lying to me he finally admitted he’s never stopped. Not really. Very short periods. I’ve tried to ascertain what it will take for him to hit bottom and actually stop. That’s not my responsibility! It’s his. Taking care of myself is my sole responsibility.

I’ve permanently disposed of our wedding rings. I will not wear a ring nor allow him to unless we’re actually committed and married in every sense of the word. I’ve filled out divorce papers and have them saved on the desk top of my computer ready to go. I take responsibility for my part in continuously allowing him to hurt me. It’s not the first or even the second. There is a laundry list of egregious actions on his part which I have accepted and tolerated buying into his story of I’ll change. I’m not ready to leave quite yet, but I am on my way. Drastic measures on his part would have to happen in order to stop the train that’s moving. I’m not sure if true forgiveness is possible.

I went through domestic abuse counseling after leaving my ex husband. All kinds of lights went off and I was validated on all those feelings I had telling me things weren’t right. Abuse takes many forms other than battery. It clicked for me the other night as he worked that I was being abused once again. Emotional abuse, gas lighting, abandonment, being blamed for his inability to deal with his emotions. There’s more, but I think you get the point. Both of us had extremely abusive fathers. He has always prided himself on being nothing like his father. Well… he is like his dad. It would be easier to admit I’m being abused and leave if I had bruises to show for it.

We have the begging and pleading for me to forgive him with false promises to never do it again after an event. Followed by a honeymoon period in which I remember why I fell in love with him and things are ideal. Complacency hits where things feel “normal” until he starts sliding back into behavior to a point I can’t ignore it. And… the cycle starts again. This is exactly what I went through with my ex husband. The abuse was different, but the feelings and patterns are the same.

Being aware of just how inappropriate his behavior is makes it that much harder to ignore. It takes what it takes to leave. I haven’t hit my threshold quite yet, but I’m getting there. With my ex, it was him screaming at me out of control and non-stop in front of my best friend over literally nothing. That was the straw. It wasn’t as bad as other incidents. I’d simply had enough and was ready to get out.

I’ve made it abundantly clear to Stephen that this is what’s happening and eventually I’ll quietly serve him with divorce papers and kick him out of the house. I don’t know when. I am just certain that I cannot and will not live in a relationship where I’m being lied to, cheated on, ignored, sexually ignored and my feelings don’t matter. It seriously saddens me that I’ve tolerated it more than once… not mention several years worth.

Making a choice to literally starve myself for a couple days to manage my feelings says a great deal about the state of my relationship. It didn’t last long, by the way. My ability and willingness to starve myself gratefully isn’t what it used to be.

18 thoughts on “The Beginning of the End

  1. I applaud you for realizing that you don’t deserve to be treated like this and I hope that during this time you can find something to bring you peace and comfort. Much love and support! ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m sorry you are going through this, but you are right. You have a responsibility to take care of yourself and your well-being. If he cannot own up to his mistakes and actually make the changes necessary for a healthy relationship, you have no choice.
    Good luck. Big hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m so sorry to hear that 😞😞😞😞😞. I have to tell you that you are really,really strong woman and I admire your strength to make those necessary changes. You are a wonderful person and you do not deserve to be cheated on and lied to. 😔

    Liked by 3 people

  4. ((((((HUGS)))))) from one Survivor to another. Come find me if you need a virtual shoulder to lean on who gets it, who’s been where you’re at. I know you’ve dealt with this before and you came through it, but that won’t make this time any easier to deal with. You are not alone.
    I wish for you all the things you would wish for yourself. Stay safe and well lovely lady. 🤗😘

    Liked by 4 people

  5. ❤ ❤ ❤
    I think you have been through a lot and I am sorry. You seem like a very loving person, and you deserve to be honoured and treasured.
    Decisions like this are deeply personal, but at the end of the day, you know you – and you know what you can live with and what will affect your happiness. Life is very very special and if something is chipping away at your joy, it can't be ignored.
    ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Cheating in any way goes against my grain. I’m sorry you are going through this. You deserve to have someone who worships you and the ground you walk upon. Maybe you should look for a manly sub. Kidding, but there might be some truth there.
    I have known guys all my life who don’t treat their wives well. Some go away on business trips and while away play with others. Others plan separate holidays where they hook up with others. It has always bothered me. Your hubby may be using his hand while communicating with others but it is cheating. My Queen regards my masturbation as cheating. Once before we started the chastity thing, we were at home and I was hoping to get busy. At one point it didn’t seem likely as we only had another 30 minutes or so of alone time. I was horny and went downstairs and masturbated. I had no sooner cum, then she called for me and it was too soon for me to erect again. She was angry and disappointed. That may have contributed to her willingness to cage and own my penis.
    Divorce is hard. I send you hugs and if you ever need to rant to a male, drop me a line. No judgement—just support. Stay safe!

    Liked by 4 people

  7. Hugs to you. It is hard and the decision you are making even harder. But as you said looking after you is first and foremost. You deserve to be cherished. You deserve to have someone adore and care for you. I am glad that you did not starve yourself for long. Hugs hugs hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. You have read the support for You. I hope it is helpful as You are a strong woman who deserves much better. Indeed it is good to have recognize the abuse without bruises. Mental abuse is just as bad if not worse. So congrats and best luck to You as You move forward. Lean on your true friends. We are here for You.

    Like

  9. This is so sad. I hate when break up. Especially over something like cheating exuberant imo, is so dirty and shouldn’t even come to someone’s mind if they are with someone and committed. Committed also means you love that person but how can you hurt someone you love? It makes so sense to me.
    I hope you’re okay though and sorry you’re going through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh honey I’m so sorry *big internet hugs* I’ll never understand cheating, and even more so in our kink communities where you should be able to admit that you can’t be monogamous and find someone that fits you. Either you love someone more than that want or you let them be free to find real happiness with someone who DOES align with them. And the lying and hiding, also doesn’t belong if he wants to call himself in any way a partner, especially in kink relationships!

    I’m outraged on your behalf, but so proud of your strength and ability to prepare and know where your limits are.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are an amazing, strong woman but you already know that. I am confident that whatever you decide will be what’s best. Any guy would be lucky to have someone as kind, caring, kinky, and loyal.

    Best wishes to you ❤️🖤

    Liked by 2 people

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