Things feel out of control in my life right now. The details don’t matter. What does matter is how I’m coping and/or not coping with the stress and overwhelm of emotions. I’ve ridden the wave of denial, trying to accept an insane situation and stuff my feelings about it. I’ve blown up a time or two. I’ve cried. I’ve scrubbed the house top to bottom. In the end the situation is still out of control and I’m still not happy about it.
After an out pouring of emotions earlier this evening, I opted to return to a tried and true strategy for coping with life when it feels out of control. Stop eating. There is a sense of power that goes with not eating. It’s the ultimate show of will power. There’s a sense of euphoria which kicks in a couple days in. It hits around the time the hunger pangs go away and my body has become accustomed to being hungry. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t stop eating all together. I’m not suicidal. I’m gaining a bit of control in my immediate life. Skip the hard feelings and put my attention and focus into something else so I don’t have to feel. Drop my calorie intake down to around 500 – 800 a day. The immediate weight loss adds to the euphoria and control.
Drop the weight I’ve gained being unhappy and unfulfilled. Regain a bit of my self esteem in my body and my sexuality. Find the point where I’m not reliant on my husband to determine my value once again. I need to feel powerful. I need to feel independent. I need to feel sexually attractive and gain the attention I did 35 pounds ago when I first met Stephen.
Am I choosing a really unhealthy coping strategy? You betcha!!! I’m aware. One of the mixed blessings of recovery from an eating disorder is that I cannot go past a certain point. The fear of what I’m doing my body kicks in. I reach out for help before I lose the ability to stop what I’m doing. This is not the first time, by far, and it’s likely not the last time I’ll do this.
I’m unhappy. I’m hurt and angry. My marriage is falling apart at the seems and I’m not ready to let go yet. Go inward to find a bit of my strength, albeit not my healthiest coping skill. Things in my marriage will either get better or they won’t. For a short time I’ll be controlling what I can and finding myself once again. In the midst of COVID, my options are limited for support systems and getting out of my four walls to make better choices. Maybe in the next day or so I’ll find a better alternative or change my mind all together. For now, I’m determined to control things that ARE in my control.