I woke up early and turned on the computer rather than the TV. A reprieve from the news and the fear. I finally got calm enough to feel safe and sleep well snuggled in my own bed with Daddy and the pups last night. The beauty of home.
The prednisone and antibiotics are starting to work already. The anxiety and mild mania associated with taking prednisone are also taking hold. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a zillion times…. a miracle drug with a high price to pay for feeling better.
Saturday night I just couldn’t sleep. Nothing bad or wrong, I just wasn’t sleepy. My instincts kicked in and I looked through Daddy’s phone. I found what I instinctively knew was there. Porn and dating sites… hook up sites to be exact. Fur is porn for Daddy. He had quietly joined Pintrest and started following a number of people who also have fur fetishes. To say I was outraged is an understatement. There is a change of behavior which goes with his addiction. Subtle, but it’s there. We’ve been doing this long enough that I know when it’s happening.
I walked into our bedroom, throwing the light switch demanding he wake up at barely 5am. He was blurry eyed and still asleep when I handed him his phone demanding answers. It took everything in me not to throw him out of the house right then and there!!!
After hours and hours of stewing in my own juices, I dragged him to an AA meeting with me. He’d been drinking heavily again, too. I needed to get my head on straight! I needed to remember to take care of Jodie and let Daddy do what he’s going to do. Set my boundaries and take action to take care of me.
It’s barely been two weeks since his first session with the therapist. Fires, money, evacuation have all slowed down the process of him getting started in seriousness. I watched him go through days of emotional recovery after that session. I’m not surprised at all that he relapsed into comfort behaviors. They’re the ONLY coping skills he has. It doesn’t change the sting of the hurt and the betrayal, but at least I can understand it.
When the fire struck our immediate area and we evacuated from our home just a few hours later all of this got put on the back burner again. Literal survival ranks really high on the list of self care. Now that it’s been several days and I’m back in the safety and comfort of my home, I can begin to process what’s happening once again.
I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m wondering if I will EVER have a solid relationship founded on trust with him. Is he capable of being the husband I actually want, need and more so… DESERVE?!
I’m feeling the need to be at a meeting again today. Perhaps I can find at least an online meeting where I can talk and connect with others to keep my mind quiet as I move through this. If I stay crazy then I am part of the problem.
In all honest, I’m tired of the hurt of loving Daddy. On a friendship level we are perfectly suited. He is a wonderful vanilla Daddy… on the emotional side of care taking. As a husband and kinky partner… he sucks ass!!!!
Guess I am angry after all!!!! I don’t write much about kink anymore because I have virtually no sex life. That went to the wayside with his addiction. Porn and fantasy took the place of having sex with his wife.