Yesterday was the start of Daddy’s therapy. It was a joint session where we each shared our perspectives on what’s going on and where we want to go. To be honest, talking about the issues doesn’t hurt or bother me. It gets them out in the open so they can be dealt with. We’re only as sick as our secrets.
The hard part? Seeing Daddy so hurt and struggling with the feelings associated with all of this. Grief, guilt, shame, overwhelm and I’d have to imagine some serious fears of rejection. A few lines were drawn clearly yesterday that I’ve needed help setting boundaries with. There’s something that happens when you say it out loud in front of someone else that makes it all real and there’s no place to hide. I know this experience all too well. Years and years of therapy and 12 step work have shown me just how that phenomenon works. It’s hard to watch Him deal with the feelings associated with His actions. I hate that He hurts. It’s going to take a great deal of strength on my part to let Him walk through it all without trying to make it better or let Him off the hook because it’s too hard.
I start my 1 on 1 therapy Monday and the partner support group on Thursday. It’s going to be a lot! A ton of feelings. A ton of processing. Reliving the trauma all over again. It’s going to be a lot for both of us to be going through individual therapy at the same time for the same issues… just opposite ends. Making the time and space for us to have fun and bring in joy is going to be more important than ever!!!
Things feel broken and hard right now in a way they never have. Everything is in the light and I’m sitting here looking at the work ahead to put things back together. It’s kind of like looking at the bowl I dropped and shattered the other day. All of the pieces are there…. just so much work to put the bowl back together.
Why do the work to fix things? Well…. to be perfectly honest… my picker is broken. I have been married 4 times and Daddy is the best of the bunch. Doing the work fixes me. It’s the final stage in making me ok. Learning how to do healthy relationships. Learning how to work through things together. We have a great relationship in general. This one piece is really wrong and needs repair. We both need work in this area. Growing together. I also don’t believe in throwing someone away for having issues. Being willing to work through things together is huge and so very important. It’s respectable and taking the higher road. Running away and starting over is the easy way but it doesn’t fix a damn thing!!!
Until next time…. big hugs.