I sit on my sofa looking out the sliding glass doors at blue skies. Every window is sealed tight and fans blowing in every room to keep the air circulating. My patios are covered in ash. The air outside is toxic from the fires burning in every direction.

I have to limit my social media and news contact to stay out of panic and grief at a staggering level. Last night I saw that my favorite place in the county of Sonoma has burned. The Armstrong Woods. A redwood grove dating back thousands of years. It’s where I connect with the universe and Earth. There is not a day I spent there that I haven’t come out peaceful and better than I went in.

Friends in other parts of the area are under mandatory evacuation orders. Others are watching the winds shift with bags packed ready to go at a moments notice. Three years in a row…. we’re getting good at this.

Daddy and I packed our go bags in the midst of my panic attack the other day. They’ve not been unpacked…. simply relocated.

The air quality has been at a level of extremely dangerous for a few days now. I started prednisone earlier this week when I first started having challenges breathing. Prednisone is that miracle drug…. but it makes it even harder for me to cope with stress. Emotional control is so much more challenging.

You know what it looks like when pollen is flying everywhere in spring? That’s pretty much what it looks like. My friend said the ash is the size of a dime where he was yesterday. I haven’t been outside in days because I cough and wheeze the moment our doors are opened. Today I head out into the big world for the first time since the blazes began to meet with the trust attorney.

I may not see flames where I am, but they are omnipresent. I feel their effects in the core of my body. I am acutely aware that there are fires in every direction of me. North, south, east and west. There is potential for more lightening storms up here this weekend and early next week. Perhaps we’ll be gifted with rain rather than more destructive storms.

I can’t go little right now. Too much going on. I can, however, treat myself to the comforts of little movies and activities which sooth and center me. Stay present. Enhance the feelings of being safe in the midst of the world burning around me. For this moment, I am not in immediate danger. Perspective is challenging at times like this, yet one of the most important things I can give myself.

Until next time… stay safe and well.