For ease of writing, I will be using Dom as a gender neutral term.
There is no list of requirements to be a Dom or a sub. There are some common traits for each, but that’s about where it ends. I’ve read far too many posts about fake Doms, bad subs, true Doms and true subs. I’m really tired of it!!
Let’s start by talking about “fake Doms”. The behaviors which I’ve come across which typically classify one as a fake Dom fall into a couple of categories. The first is inexperience and lack of proper training/etiquette. Each and every one of us in the community needs to learn the rules within the community to stay within it. Just like any other community, there are standards and rules.. spoken and unspoken. Being ill informed does not classify someone as being a fake Dom. The other set of behaviors fall more into the realm of being a predator. This is not being a fake or bad Dom. This person is dangerous and needs to be avoided. Let’s use better descriptive terminology and not shame!
There are general traits which occur within Doms and subs, however, there are no rules or requirements for being either…. including how much time you spend or in what format you are a Dom or sub.
Being a bedroom only Dom or sub doesn’t make you any less Dominant or submissive. A person who is only sexually Dominant or submissive isn’t any less real than those who live in 24/7 dynamics. It’s simply how their sexuality is expressed. There are those who haven’t found their full time partner(s) and are doing scenes in the meantime. There are those, too, who don’t have time for a lifestyle dynamic. How much time one spends being Dominant or submissive has nothing to do with how serious they are about their feelings and kinks!
Let’s move on to subs, shall we? How many subs do you know who haven’t been told their not really submissive or a bad sub by some passing Dom who didn’t get what they wanted without earning the privilege of being served? Simply being submissive doesn’t mean one is required to be submissive to everyone who may desire you to be so.
There is no one size fits all (or even most) submissive. Doesn’t exist. Sorry to let you down there. Being a brat is no less submissive than a devoted, obedient slave. Sexual submission isn’t mandatory to be a sub either, though they commonly go together. Not all subs are turned on by being needed and serving. Gender and sexual orientation have nothing to do with being submissive, nor does how one chooses to dress or express themselves.
Those who switch are absolutely not “playing” at either side of the lash! The head space, desires and energy involved in either side is genuine. Being primarily Dominant or submissive and switching under certain instances or with some partners does not take away from either side.
Those of us in the BDSM community get enough crap from the vanilla people out there who simply don’t understand… or want to. How about we try to be more respectful and understanding among ourselves! Educate yourself, ask questions, be open and willing to see beyond your small view of what you think a Dom or sub “should” be. If you can’t do that don’t spread your hate for the world to see!!!
4 thoughts on “Dom(me) and sub shaming”
This is great. I agree. People do not take the time to ask enough questions or to really listen to each other. They make snap judgements.
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Thank you! I agree.
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very true just like any relationship questions and honest answers make it what it will be
i have stayed away from Pro Dommes as they are in for the cash. i have found a few (very) Pro Dommes who were lifestyle and entered their service for a short time.
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Thank you!!! I read a post the other day that pissed me off about “true subs” and I had to rebuttal. The chick thought it was good idea to follow me after my comment on how uneducated her rude post was. Well…. THANK YOU!!!!
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