I share myself and my life openly here. Today I’m sharing that I’m hurting and really heartbroken. I’m confused and overwhelmed. Honestly, I’m outraged and humiliated, as well. I am NOT seeking advice or opinions about what to do in this situation. I am simply putting my feelings and experiences forward. It’s hard enough to walk this path.

Porn addiction has hit the McDaddy home. From my standpoint, it’s harder than if there actually were someone else. How can I, one woman, compete with millions of pictures and people to role play and flirt with? I can’t!

I’ve watched my sex life, my self-esteem, and my internal sense of sexuality dwindle as he’s gotten farther and farther removed from me. We have sex maybe once a month… and it’s not good. There is no BDSM at this point. There is barely sex and even kissing has gone to the way side. We live an extremely platonic life. We’re best friends… who happen to love each other very much!!

I’ve cried, fought, begged and suggested medical treatments for depression and ED. His interest in sex with me has been replaced by the fantasy of me as his slut slave wife on Fetlife offering to loan me out, allow other men to rape me, and the list goes on. I didn’t know until last night that this has been going on for the last year…. since I left Fetlife. I screamed at him until the tears finally came. The shock wore off.

Right this moment, I don’t have a specific plan for myself. I’m not sure what I want. Am I willing to attempt supporting him through treatment? Will he actually follow through with seeking treatment and doing it? Can I begin to forgive him enough to even begin to mend the bridges? I reached out to my doctor early this morning for resources for both of us… and to do a STD panel. I’m pretty certain there hasn’t been anyone else, but I can’t be certain.

Didn’t sleep much last night. A few hours. I woke up with images of his ex-girlfriend sucking his cock in my mind. Yes, he posted those recently…. so he’s been holding on to them for many, many years and opted to share them now.

My plan for today is to get up, dressed, look as fucking hot as possible to build ME back up. I’m sexy and sexual regardless of what my husband does. That is the first part of caring for myself.

I’m starting to think that all my negativity and harshness has been stemming from being incredibly unhappy and my self esteem falling apart. Bear with me. I will return to my happy, sexy, flirtatious self once again. I’ll try to be kinder along the way. Right now, I just have to be kind to myself.