There is a sub i follow here on WP who routinely has power struggles with her husband/Dom related to how she wants to be dominated. This is an issue i struggled with first hand with Daddy. i’m gonna share a bit of my experience and hope she reads it and finds it useful. If not, it’s good for me to write about it and remember the work it takes to be a good sub. Some days it’s much harder than others!
To set the scene, Daddy and i met on Fetlife. He’d had kinky sex along the way, but had never collared and claimed a sub before me. It was all theoretical to Him and book knowledge on the practical end of being a 24/7 Dom. i had plenty of kinky sex along the way, too, but had also been an owned and collared sub prior to meeting Him. i had expectations of Him based on past experience and my desires. i wasn’t as patient with Him learning to fill the shoes of a full time Master and Daddy. i bratted and undermined Him… and yes, i went so far as to top from the bottom. It got me everything except what i wanted!!!
In my growing into a sub and finding myself to be a little, i had a dom that was very experienced. He guided me, taught me protocol and obedience. i was trained very well by a man who was a switch and knew both sides of the lash intimately. i had a safe place to explore my kinks and grow beyond what i started with. The relationship was never destined to last. i learned a great deal!!!
As a Dom it’s much harder to find your path without some bumps and hurt feelings. The Dom is expected to guide and dominate their submissive. It’s supposed to just be there. Skills are involved with both sides of the lash. There are a lot of feelings dom(me)s have to work through with some of their kinks, just like there are for us submissives. They may want to control, punish, inflict pain, humiliate and the list goes on, but there are social norms and emotions which must be processed for many in order to do the things they wish to. i know as a sub, i had to prepare myself and gradually work my way into some of my more socially stigmatized kinks. i’m still getting there with some of them!!!
i expected Daddy to already be where it’d taken me nearly a year to get to. i knew what i wanted and how things would be…. i just tried to force Him into doing it my way. In the end, what i got was a man who adored me and so wanted me in all ways, but felt humiliated, emasculated and ultimately we had no sex life at all because of the stress and constant disappointment on both sides. In trying to force Him to be the Dom i want and have the relationship i wanted, i was cutting Him off at the knees. Every step He took forward as a Dom was never enough. The conversations we had to get to where we are now were tear filled, heart breaking, anger and blame filled on both sides…. and so honest we were finally able to work through it.
For me, it meant stopping. BEING submissive. Allowing Him to lead and guide. Allowing Him to fully lead our relationship and our direction. i asked for things and made requests and/or suggestions. i was soft and gentle. i did more service for Him. i served Him because it’s what brings us both joy. It’s the glue which binds us. i dressed to please Him. i had His drink ready when He came home and sat on a pillow at the foot of His chair waiting for Him to return from work. i stopped making it about me. i took the stance of being as deeply submissive as i could. There were times i had to dig even deeper for ways to be submissive. i cried at times as i waited for our relationship to mend and grow into what we both wanted. i didn’t make demands on Him. He guided our sex life totally. i asked for play time, but He chose when, where, how and what. His pleasure came first. i reminded myself and Him that i am in service to HIM!!!!
Something amazing happened. i fell in love with Him all over again. i was able to relax and be little almost all the time because i wasn’t trying to control things. He blossomed into the Dom we both knew was there. He just needed the freedom and support to flex His wings.
As we grew closer and our relationship deepened into the D/s dynamic we wanted, i requested that we do kink checklists and talk about our fantasies and desires. We explored new limits and interests. We added new dimensions to our relationship. Our relationship isn’t a bedroom only kink. We live 24/7 in a state of Him being in charge and i obey and serve. We both had to change our expectations about what our 24/7 lifestyle was going to look like. It’s certainly not all kink all the time! There is certainly a kink element 24/7 in everything we do. Attitude is the biggest part of living the life of a submissive.
To be totally honest, there are things i truly desire in a D/s relationship which i don’t get with Daddy. It’s not who He is, how He’s wired or He just doesn’t share my kinks. i’m pretty sure there are things on both sides we give up being together and monogamous. The vast majority of our needs are met on both sides. We’re honest about what we want and what we’re giving up. Just like in marriage, we make compromises in the D/s part of our relationship. We negotiate and talk about things really honestly. When things fall short again, we take time and step out of role to talk about it as equal partners choosing this lifestyle.
One of the hardest things for me to accept about Daddy’s style of Dominance is that He doesn’t desire to dominate by constant control and force. He dominates through loving and respecting me, encouraging me to behave and be His good girl. i was used to and wanted the external control factors. He’s no less Dominant because He guides me through emotion and not with His lash. A warning look is about as severe as His punishments ever are. There are many, many styles of being Dominant and submissive. He loves that i’m bratty and playful…. and keeps me in line by making me want to please Him.
This post came out far longer than i planned, but there is always so much to say when we talk about how relationships work and finding the groove in your particular D/s relationship.