Moment of Clarity

There has been a slew of things happen in the last 8+ months that just add to the feeling of things being out of control. Each one worse than the last. The mounting stress is killing both of us. For the moment, I can only speak for myself. It’s my moment of clarity after all.

This isn’t the first time in my life that I’ve been at this point. Not even close!!! More like the 3rd or 4th. It’s time to let go of everything and start all over. What I’m doing ISN”T WORKING. Each time I’ve trusted the process and jumped I’ve ended up better than I was before. The process of getting there is always excruciating for me.

My job was killing me. It took having a death threat with PTSD at work following the incident to get me to leave. I found that how resourceful I am. I learned to take care of myself. I lost my entitlement in doing so. I also learned a whole lot of gratitude!!! Most of all, I finally came to a point of valuing myself above all else!

My marriage was killing me. Literally! We fought all the time. There was violence in my home on all levels. I lost EVERYTHING….. literally everything in the course of this relationship. Things could not get better until I left. Totally alone for the first time in my life, absolutely no income at all, a home and mortgage I couldn’t handle and things totally unmanageable around me. I found a better life in the ashes of the one I’d left.

Here I am again. My home in shambles, literally, with new things popping up that I can’t handle. Things are totally unmanageable!! Each time I seek the legal help to fix the situation huge things get in the way which are totally out of my control. I’m battling uphill to stay here and make it work. Find the path to make it right. It’s starting to feel very much like trying to stay in my job. One step forward two steps back until I just couldn’t anymore.

I started to freak out about an hour ago. I was washing dishes in the master bathroom and found dry rot in the baseboards on the side of the tub. It was actually mushy!!! My initial reaction was anger. FFS, can’t I catch a break?!!?!?! There was some anti anxiety medication involved in keeping me from screaming bloody murder and kicking the walls. But then it hit me. STOP TRYING TO FIX THIS!!!! Walk away. Cut your losses. It’s stopped serving your needs. You’ll be ok when you stop fighting this.

I thought I’d die when my ex and I split. I was shattered in a zillion pieces. Lost, broken, afraid. What I found when I came through was a level of independence I had no idea was there. I also found a man who loves and cherishes me like I didn’t think was possible!! I had to let go of the pain to move towards the good. Trust the process of letting go of the struggle to find something better.

In the midst of this global pandemic, so many of us are going through major shifts in our lives. We have no choice but to go with the changes. Like it or not, this is a time of growth, change and letting go of what was.

I’ve felt this coming in my life for a long time now. I’ve known, I just haven’t been quite ready to take the jump. I just need my Daddy to trust and jump with me. Let go of what we know here. The struggle. The stress. The security of the familiar even though it’s killing us… and jump for the better thing out there.

I’ll leave you with this story because it fits so perfectly what I’m feeling. I’m ready to walk down a different road.

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

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