When i first began this blog i wrote a post about the difficulties of being submissive and having a chronic illness. It’s never easy having chronic medical conditions! Being submissive lends to the emotional impact on me when i’m not well. The last few days have been a prime example.
Daddy and i have a system for how we run our home and our lives. He handles nearly all of the things outside of the home. He works and takes care of the big stuff. my work is in our home. i cook, clean, take care of Him and the boys (that’s what we call the dogs). We work together to balance our finances and keep the bills paid. i write the checks, though we run through budgeting stuff before He does His things and i write the bills out. Our home runs smoothly, even during stressful times, when we follow our roles and each hold up our responsibilities. We need each other to keep our family going strong… on all levels. Not just tasks.
When i get sick it’s never a small thing. i am down for close to a month, if not longer, with fatigue and whiny littleness from not being able to breathe. Emergency room trips, extra doctor appointments and prescriptions. i’m down in bed for weeks on end. Getting up to feed myself is exhausting, not to mention any house work and the things i do on a daily basis to keep our family going.
All of the responsibility falls onto Daddy’s shoulders plus the fear and worry for His little girl. i watch Him work tirelessly to keep us going on all fronts and take care of me, too. i don’t feel good. i’m a little. i get needy and cuddly and just… need my Daddy!! That just makes it all that much harder, because i see how stressed and tired He is from carrying all the weight yet i need Him.
Crying from exhaustion when i try to do things. Frustration sets in that i can’t do what i want and need to do makes me irritable and more demanding because i can’t not see all that needs to be done. Guilt. The guilt is unreal!!! i know Daddy needs me to help and to be good and to stay quiet and down so i get better.
i watch Daddy curl up next to me with that worried sick look on His face when i’m too tired to move and breathing is hard. He’s holding back tears because He’s Daddy and Daddy’s don’t cry and have to stay strong for their little ones. Yes, those are His words. He’s helpless to fix it. In this instance… He can’t fix anything. He can’t make it safe for me to get the medical help i need and make my doctor available in the office. He can’t make me better with snuggles and little movies or our little games. Bringing me an ice cream doesn’t help. All He can do is watch me, keep me quiet, do ALL of the stuff in and out of the house so i’m safe.
Feeling like a burden is one of the worst feelings there is. i take care of Daddy and our home. i make things nice and comfortable for Him and us. He doesn’t want me to feel like i’m a burden, to feel guilty for being sick and all that goes with it. How can i not?? After a lifetime of being sick on and off i’ve had every reaction there is from people in my life. i’ve been yelled at for being a problem. i’ve been told i’m attention seeking when i literally can’t get out of bed and do things for weeks on end. People get mad at me for how the medications react in my system when i’m sick. i’ve been shamed for losing jobs because i’m too sick to go. There are those moments when i thank Him for not being like the others in my life who’ve treated me like a problem or i cry because i feel guilty He’s carrying the full load.
i’ve had both of those reactions in the last 48 hours. Thanking Him upsets Him that others haven’t been kind and He wants me to always remember that i’m loved and He never resents taking care of me! Feeling guilty and crying because i’m putting even more stress and work on Him than what’s going on for the world right now is just as bad. He reminds me that being sick isn’t a choice. i didn’t create or cause my body to be the way it is. He reminds me, too, that He knows the difference between me being a whiny little with a cold and when i’m REALLY sick. He tells me He’s Daddy and His job and joy is making sure i’m taken care of in all ways. He gets upset with me for feeling bad i’m sick. Sometimes i just want Him to know how much i want to help Him and i know how hard it is carrying everything.
He took a long nap today. It was so needed. ♥ Nice to see Him resting and taking care of Himself. He’s headed to the grocery store for us in a little bit. Daddy’s out to fight the struggles of the world outside once again to take care of His family. Tomorrow is back to work after a stressful couple days off. Sometimes the works of my Daddy~Monstah never ends.
Doing my best to stay quiet and supportive of Him in the ways i can without creating more work and stress for Him. The tides of emotions flux as i find ways to help Him and be my service-oriented submissive self while not able to do anything.