There was a time in my life that I couldn’t stand sitting quiet. No talking, tv, radio, or outside source of entertainment. It wasn’t boredom. I’d have anxiety so bad it felt like I was coming out of my own skin I HAD to put some noise on around me to distract me from myself. What’s that about?!
I was in a 12 step program and my sponsor suggested that I start with something like 5 minutes a day. Just sit with myself. Not necessarily meditate, but give myself a few minutes a day to sit quietly and just… be. Those were the hardest 5 minutes a day of my life for quite some time!
A friend invited me to take a meditation class with her. I’d never meditated in any way besides diaphramatic breathing (focusing on the breath). I was intrigued and went with her. Let me tell you that it wasn’t easy at first. But I was dedicated to it. The style they taught was a more active type of mediation where my mind was busy doing things putting me in a relaxed state, but my body was still. I learned how to sit quietly with myself for quite some time.
It’s been decades now and there is nothing that I love more than the sound of quiet. Sure, I enjoy TV and music as much as the next person. I don’t need the external stimuli to keep myself in balance and content. The silence doesn’t make me uncomfortable or anxious If anything, it’s quite the opposite.
I spend hours most days without any outside noise. I hear the carbonated bubbles in my water doing their thing. My neighbors chit chatting after dinner. I hear the frogs in the creek behind my house. I hear my own thoughts!!! I don’t have to run away from my own thoughts any longer. In fact, the more anxious and spinning I am, the more I need to unplug from the outside world of noise and stimulation and just sit in the silence. Breathe. Soak in the sounds and feelings of the world around me. Out in nature or just sitting in my living room.
Tonight I’m playing Forge of Empires with the volume muted on my laptop. The dogs are snuggled up next to me snoring. The game is fun, but slow. I can think about things in between actions. I get up and walk around and find myself humming. Something I don’t do when there’s external stimuli bombarding me.
It took years to be able to enjoy the silence. I had to learn how to enjoy spending time with myself all over again! As an only child (or at least functionally), I was always good at entertaining myself and having a great time. I lost that somewhere along the way and had to discover it all over again.
I love Daddy to the ends of the world and back! There’s no doubt about that. He’s not one to ever have silence in the house when He’s home. It’s one of those things which necessitates us spending time apart, sadly. I relish and need those quiet hours each day to think, relax, do nothing and stare at the wall, enjoy watching the dogs play. There’s a million things I do in the stillness of not having the tv or radio on and turning the computer off. There’s a beauty in just being me. Just being human and present in the moment. To be honest, I wish He’d find that joy with me. It adds value to our lives.
So, for the next couple of hours… I’m here with my thoughts and the dogs enjoying the moments of being present.