Being little

i read minnie’s post this morning about shame and kink. Made me think about my struggle in finding my little…. more like accepting that part of myself. Thought i’d share some of that now. Check out minnie’s post and share some love. 🙂 Thanks for the inspiration. ♥

Being little is a core part of who i am, how i function in the world, how i retreat and take care of myself when things get stressful. For most of my life i didn’t have a word for it. i never questioned my love of playing in the sandbox or playing on the swings at the local park, coloring Disney Princess coloring books, or letting my mind wander into the childlike wonder filled with chatter and a zillion questions. It’s always been a part of me.

i knew there was something crucial missing in all of my romantic relationships. When i’d talk to my friends or my mom about wanting to feel safe, protected, taken care of by a man i got the ewwww responses along with red flag warnings that i like the loving possessiveness of being His. i promptly got the possessive = violent/dangerous talk. Of course i know there’s a difference between possessive in the bad way and the way my Daddy is. i didn’t have adequate words to describe it and i was talking to pure vanilla women. lol They didn’t fit into the French vanilla category. 😉

i discovered that being little is something that most men enjoyed. It takes me a while to bond and feel safe, but once i do the man in my life finds himself doted on, looked up to, and i naturally fall into the role of the docile woman who wants to please him. i’m also extremely playful, flirtatious and a whole lot of fun to be with. i’ve not had a partner yet that didn’t enjoy that part of it. 😀 Where things got sticky was with the emotional needs of a little and unknowingly slipping into little space and communicating my wants, needs and feelings like a child. Sadly gents, you don’t get one without the other! lol i can laugh now because i’ve found myself and the relationship style it takes to live as an adult little successfully.

One of the last arguments i had with my ex-husband before we divorced, he stood there yelling at me that sometimes i’m an adult and others i’m a little girl and he never knew what to expect. That was the first time in my life anyone had ever commented on me being little. i’d never even thought about it before. i was hurt, offended and confused. Until that moment, i thought i was always in the mindset of an adult.

Fast forward about a year, i met a man who caught on to my kinks and introduced me formally to the world of BDSM. We had an interesting relationship. lol He mentored me more than anything. i’d had a series of really stressful events and i’d been melting down with some frequency. i asked him one day how he put up with me. His response will stick with me forever. He told me he’d raised a teenage daughter and knew how to roll with the punches, so to speak. His words were quiet, kind, non-judgmental. A simple statement. i’d been discovering my little side slowly and in that moment, i felt like someone had finally seen me for who and what i am. i still wasn’t ready to call myself a little, but i was finding that i do have a young side all around.

Not long after that i met a man on Fetlife who’d be my Dom for the next 7 months. What an adventure that would be!!! Good and bad, i learned a lot about myself, my kinks, my journey into BDSM, being formally trained as a sub… and yes, i found my little. He both loved and hated it. As we got to know one another and the bond of D/s grew, i naturally fell into a very comfortable Daddy/babygirl relationship with him. It wasn’t discussed as a new dynamic, it just happened. The more i explored, the more i discovered new kinks, journeyed into previous hard limits and found myself drawn more and more to being a little and wanting to explore that fully including age play. That was an absolute hard limit for him. He forbade it. It was discussed once never to be talked about again. This relationship was doomed to fail for many, many reasons (and i’m glad! i wouldn’t have met Daddy ♥). In the end, the very things which drew us to one another are the things we hated most about each other. In my case, being a little was irritating and i was often shamed for behaving like a child.

Let’s face it, i’m a flirt. 😉 i’ll never say otherwise!! i talked to a good number of people, read lots and lots of posts and forums for DD/lg and i gained a lot of support for being my sweet, bratty little self. 🙂 There were quite a few fellas that found it endearing and absolutely loved that about me. So in the ending of that D/s relationship, i knew that i was looking for a Daddy and some of the particular traits and attributes i wanted and needed. Over the course of less than a year, i changed my kink orientation a few times. i started as exploring, went to subssive and finally landed on babygirl which still stands a number of years down the line.

i thought i’d explored my little side. *giggling* Nope! i’d barely scratched the surface!!! i’d come out as a little, but had soo much to learn about myself and what having a Daddy really means. i was Daddy shopping when i met Daddy. 🙂 i met a few Doo Doo Heads along the way. By this time i was experienced enough to know what i was looking for and what worked for me. i wasn’t about to settle. It’s proved to be even more important to have a purrrfect fit with a Daddy than in a regular vanilla relationship.

Now, mind you that i’d been talking to friends in my everyday life about my journey. i picked and chose who i talked to and what i shared. i was fortunate to have a very seasonal friend (lifetime, reason, season) who had been living in the kink community for a very long time. There was nothing in the world of sex or BDSM that we didn’t talk about and share stories. She normalized the lifestyle for me. i’m really grateful for that. It’s the only place i was getting validation that being a little and kinky aren’t bad, and frankly, not gross. i was given encouragement to follow my relationship with Daddy when we met and supported in how adorable we were together. i got crap from other people, but i don’t want to dwell on that part. We all know what kink shaming is like and trying to find our place in the world as kinky folks.

i met Daddy and another man within days of each other. i talked to both of them for a couple weeks before deciding and cutting ties with the other guy. The other guy was local. He hit on a totally different set of kinks which was fun, but wouldn’t last in the long run for me. i also didn’t find myself wanting to go into little space with him. It wasn’t a natural response like it is with Daddy.

When i met Daddy i told Him that first night that i’m a little and looking for a Daddy. He was open to talking about it, but didn’t really know anything about it. He was a bit hesitant at first. Once He did some research and talked to me a little bit longer, He fell naturally into being a Daddy. It’s like it was sitting there latent all these years waiting for someone to wake it up. i did that!!! *giggling* He told me very recently that when i first told Him i’m a little, He thought it’d be something we played at for a little while and then it would fade out. He had no idea that it would be our dynamic and what brings us joy. ♥ i’m was more than a bit surprised when He told me that. lol He just wasn’t well versed in what it means to be a little. Funny as it is, the things that make me a little are what endeared me to Him.

i found myself seemlessly slipping into little space with Him. Chatty, little, sweet, flirtatious, playful, and more importantly… finding safety spending my time talking to Him. It wasn’t long before He was reminding me to eat and go to bed at a reasonable time with Him calling every night to tuck me in. Check ins about my day, where i’ve been, what i’ve done, who i’ve seen and He was helping me manage my time and activities so i wasn’t overwhelmed and i’d be safe. He calmed me down when i was upset and giggled with me when the world was good. i became His little one. His support, too. The reminder to laugh when He was stressed and all the things a sub does for her Dom. As a little, i brought levity into His world and He brought a calm stability.

The dynamic was established long before we met in person, but being together took it to places i didn’t know existed. ♥ From the moment He opened the car door for me, i was in little space with Him. i didn’t have to worry. Daddy was there. i was free to giggle and play and settle into a place of being taken care of and be my most relaxed, truest self. Taking me for ice cream was a delight for Him. i had a great time, too, but for different reasons. He stood there with a grin across His face watching me as i stared up at the enormous menu of options struggling to decide what i wanted. Walking hand-in-hand swinging our arms as i shared my excitement of a new adventure with Him. i naturally grabbed His hand pulling Him over to look at what new thing caught me eye. “Look, Daddy!” He found joy in watching over me, protecting me and sharing my joy in the little things as much i loved Him doing it.

The emotional aspects of being a little can be hard. Getting over tired, needy, whiny when i’m sick and needing Daddy’s attention all the time can be a drain on Him. He got frustrated with me once or twice in the early days of living together. Seeing my eyes well up with tears so sad because He was mad at me or bursting in tears because i needed His help unable to do it myself was all it took to remind Him that i wasn’t being difficult on purpose. i’ve never been able to cry for attention. my tears are always genuine… and about the saddest thing you’ll ever see. His frustration quickly melted away to a strong Daddy taking care of His little one. He remembered that i needed Him differently than His other partners ever had.

We were both fine with the relationship dynamic of DD/lg until it hit the sheets. It was one of those things we just didn’t really talk much about, but we gradually started implementing aspects of age play into our kinks. We both had that eww factor when we thought about it. lol At least at first. ;P After things had become part of the norm, we began talking about it, naming it for what it is and quickly it became an accepted and much loved part of our sexual repertoire. How could it not? The things we love most about each other and are most attracted to are the things which make us Daddy and babygirl. We have hard limits in our age play around how young i am and incest type stuff. Those are just our limits. i’ve slipped into emotional little space during sex a few times and all kink ceases. Sex doesn’t stop, but my needs at that point are tender and loving, romantic. Anything else really grosses me out in that place.

When i started the path into the BDSM world, i had no idea that i’d find myself in a full time DD/bg relationship. All my years living kink, but not associating myself with it, i saw the DD/bg dynamic as disgusting and couldn’t begin to imagine how a woman would want to call her lover Daddy. How things changed as i found partners who fostered that part of me and made it safe to let it out. 🙂 i’m pleasantly surprised to find this dynamic and the set of kinks fit perfectly into what i’ve been searching for all these years. i’m so very lucky to have met my Daddy. ♥

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