It’s been a while since I’ve written about BDSM and kink directly. I miss it! Guess I lost the fire for a little bit. I’ve read a number posts in the last few days about BDSM which have brought me back on point. Tonight I want to touch on the important of knowing what kind of submissive you are.
I dabbled in BDSM and tried things on for size long before I entered the scene or even came close to labeling myself as a submissive. Honestly, I had no idea for a long time that many of my sexual preferences are kinky and that I’ve never really had a vanilla sex life. Knowing that I’m kinky wasn’t the important part. lol Understanding what makes my kinks tick is!
When I first entered the BDSM scene, I played a fair amount. I talked to lots of people. All genders, all different types of kinks, tops, bottoms, and everything in between. As I learned about the labels, I knew that I fall mostly into the submissive category, but beyond that I had no idea. My FETLIFE profile was labeled “exploring” for a long time. Then I went to “submissive” and after a lot of exploring, learning, self-reflection and honesty, I identify as a “babygirl”.
I’ve explored in a couple D/s relationships prior to Daddy. I’ve also had a number of Doms mentor me. If you don’t know about mentoring, it’s a fantastic opportunity for growth in a safe, totally non-sexual relationship. I learned about safety, negotiation, self-reflection, how to handle my submission, the importance of and how to interview a potential dom prior to entering a dynamic. I learned a lot! I also had the opportunity of being the submissive to a couple of very different doms. There are as many styles of dominance as there are submissives. Not all match!
Being happy and content in your D/s relationship is the primary reason to understand your personal submission. What type of Dom do you need? What control do you want and need? What turns you on? How do you stay in subspace and sub mindset? Are you more obedient or do you like to push boundaries and be a brat? Do you like being forced into submission or do you prefer to freely give it? Do you need both? Are there specific kinky/BDSM activities that bring about your submissive feelings? Do you want or need to be in a full time D/s relationship or are you into scene/bedroom only D/s. Are you a switch? Are you really a submissive? Liking BDSM doesn’t necessarily make you a submissive. Maybe you’re a kinkster who just likes lots of variety.
I got into my first D/s dynamic totally green with no idea what the labels are, what my kinks are, what kind of D/s relationships there are and no clue what was expected of me or what I could or should expect of him. Talk about a steep learning curve!!! It was hard and fun and I grew in leaps and bounds in that first relationship. I happened to end up with a strict Dom who went by old school, high protocol standards. My obedience was demanded, his word was final. I learned about my kinks, limits, negotiating and I had my limits tested and pushed finding new kinks and discovering I had hard limits around kinks I didn’t know existed.
Exploring with different relationships isn’t the only way to find what you like and what works for you. I also read everything I could get my hands on. I asked tons of questions. I joined groups and forums. One of my favorite tools was taking the online BDSM test at https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode. The more I looked and read, the more I found what resonates with me and instilled the curiosity to look further and try new things.
One of the things I’ve heard thrown out there a lot in the community is labeling a sub as “not a good sub”. I’ve heard this from subs talking about themselves and D-types talking about them. If you’re a sub, only you can truly know that! One of three things is going on if you’re not successful in your submission to a Dom. 1. You need more training. Every Dom has their way of training a sub and should train every new sub they choose to enter into a D/s dynamic with. 2. You’re with the wrong Dom. Not all styles of dominance and submission match, along with personality and kinks. 3. It’s time to renegotiate your relationship and address what’s not working during time outs from D/s time when you can be equals in the relationship and be honest with each other and yourself.
I’m not one who thrives on strict rules and control. I shrink under punishment and become disobedient and downright disrespectful. I am a sub who is obedient because it pleases me to please my Master. Cuddles and a “good girl” go miles in keeping me in line with His wishes. I feel safe and taken care of knowing where the boundaries lie and what rules I am to follow. Daddy rarely issues a command. He will usually request things of me. Most of the time I anticipate His wants and needs before He can ask. I slide fluidly between slave/submissive head space and little head space. I’m playful and sarcastic…. I love to be a little bratty, tease and push limits. By and large, bratting for me is about making Daddy laugh or increasing the sexual tension. As you can see, even from a brief description, what submission looks for me is different from anyone else reading this, despite similarities. Add in kinks and personality and finding the right D/s match can be really challenging if you’re in a dynamic that spans more than scene only.
Delving into BDSM by educating yourself is a great tool on so many levels. Explore your kinks. Try on different hats. Learn about protocol and how to successfully communicate in a D/s relationship from others who have walked the path before you. Though there are many differences in styles and personality, many truths hold true across the board. Do writing challenges or writing assignments to explore how your submission works and what makes you tick. Learning about different styles of domination is a great tool, as well. Go to munches. Join Fetlife. Visit your local kinky sex shop… there’s always someone with experience and willingness to share there.
Part of learning about my submission is being honest about when and where I struggle to be submissive. It’s a natural part of who I am, it’s hardwired in me, but there are still times and situations where I struggle to respect the power exchange and my role in it. Communication is different. There are ways to ask for what I want and need which will be successful and others which will make things even harder than they already are. Trying to top from the bottom is never a good route! It was a hard lesson, and one I had to go through many times before grasping it, but finding ways to delve deeper into my submission to my Master when I’m hurt, angry, unsatisfied with the level of D/s in our dynamic is almost always the answer to getting what I want. It was counter-intuitive at first.
For the D-types that read my blog, the same words of wisdom apply to you. 😀 What’s good for the goose is good for the gander! In order to lead you must know yourself.