I’m sitting here in Daddy’s big chair sipping a cup of yummy Vermont Maple Tea with Almond Milk watching Counting Cars. The pups are napping. At the moment, all is ok in the world. By all outward signs… things are ok.
On the inside, my heart is pounding and my blood pressure is through the roof. All the stress and worry thoughts humanly possible right now are flipping and flopping around in my head endlessly. Rumination is no joke.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve had anxiety this bad. I’ve done all of the things I need to which help. Next in line is popping a pill. I hate taking anxiety medication! Makes me feel weak. It helps and makes life worth living some days, but I will wait as long as I can stand it before taking them.
There’s nothing I can do right this moment, or today really, to “fix” all the crap going on. I wish I could just set it aside like I did for all the months leading up to today.
I’ll get the dogs outside for a walk. The fresh air will do all of us good. It’s getting hard for me to get out and do things. I have to stop that process! Agoraphobia isn’t funny. I’ve been procrastinating going out to do basic things because it feels overwhelming. Time to push through the discomfort knowing that it’s good for me. If I allow this level of anxiety to take root and grow, it’ll take me a long time to be able to crawl out of it!!!
I don’t feel depressed. I’m overwhelmed and not happy about circumstances, but I’m not depressed and sad. I don’t even feel like I’m not worthwhile and all the crappy thoughts that go with depression. This is PTSD and anxiety. Stuck in my thoughts and the physical sensations of stress and anxiety.
Next right thing right this moment? Go take a Klonopin. Put a bit of lipstick on and fuss with my hair just a smidge. Little things which make a difference in the moment. Get my grocery shopping list together for later today. Sweep my floor. Get some of the stress and anxiety out of my body. Distract myself with healthy things which remind me life is actually OK right now in this very moment.