The last couple of weeks have been incredibly hard!! On top of our home being in a constant state of disarray with the struggle of getting the kitchen put in after the water main burst back in July, fights and struggles with the trustee on my house…. we were evacuated for nearly a week with the threat of losing our home and everything we own. Within 48 hours of being home, I learned that my sister died of colon cancer. I’ve been battling horrific asthma for over a month now being on and off prednisone and antibiotics. This is a shit ton of stress for ANYONE!!!
I’m not just anyone. I live with bipolar 1 disorder. I’m stable on medication and have tremendous coping skills. Despite that…. put a person with bipolar disorder under major stress, especially sustained stress, and it’s a recipe for disaster. It was only a matter of time until I exploded. Because of life circumstances it took next to nothing for me to blow up. Like most people, I have my “go to” things. Screaming at my husband is safe.
Two kind friends came though with supportive comments about the stress I’ve been under, taking a deep breath, sleeping on it and sharing a bit of personal experience that offered a glimmer of hope when I was feeling out of control and hurt. Thank you Nora and Vee!! ♥ Your words meant more than I can tell you.
None of us knows what goes on in the inner workings of another relationship. Communication, patterns, how problems and stress are dealt with, what is and isn’t acceptable. We don’t know what goes on in the minds of another either. Beyond the actual words we hear/read, anything beyond that is assumption and seen through our filters.
I spent half of last night curled up crying from the stress and the emotional release. In a perfect world I would have the ability to cry and scream at the world without creating pain and drama. I’m not perfect. Just like everyone else… I do the best I can do in the moment.
I frequently read about my friends struggles with their relationships, emotions, anxiety and a whole slew of other things. We share in each other’s joy and pain. That’s part of why we blog, why we’re here. Emotions pass. Kindness, tolerance, support through those hard days. Shared excitement when things are good. None of us shares everything. Snapshots of moments in time.
I have a really good marriage! I have a man who loves me to bits and works incredibly hard to keep things as balances as possible for me and US. He’s a Master, a Daddy…. and He has a wife with bipolar disorder coupled with being a little. That’s a whole lot on His plate!!!
Like every relationship out there… we have our struggles and rough spots. We’ve both made mistakes. We both continue to make mistakes. We’re HUMAN!!! We love and forgive and cry our way through the hard days. We wake up the next day and start fresh with an attitude of love, tolerance and co-operation.
I realized some important things about myself yesterday and into today. I KNOW what it takes for me to stay in balance and give myself the best chance of handling things well. I’ve allowed several of those areas to slip. I’ve allowed myself to get isolated. Too much time at home alone. I’ve allowed my support system to wane and my world to become small. I’m not getting the physical exercise I need on a regular basis. I’ve stopped meditating. Every single one of these things aren’t optional for me. They are mandatory for my life to run well.
We had a long talk this morning about our feelings, our needs, getting the support we each need. A handful of relationship does and don’ts which are non-negotiable for both of us. We’ve created a plan for putting us on the right path. I won’t go as far as to say that my explosion was a “good thing” yesterday, but I will say that it brought a few needs to the surface which we’ve been putting off. I’ve found that when things come up like this they’re almost always an opportunity for us to grow together. That may not be my emotional response in the moment, but once I calm down and get back to center I see that there was a purpose for the issue.
I want to make it abundantly clear that the two of share a level of transparency in our relationship which is uncommon. We talk to each other about who we talk to and about what. We mutually decide what is and isn’t acceptable. Who we will talk to and who we won’t. There is nothing hidden in our relationship. We may not always agree, but we find a solution which works for us.
I look at other people’s relationships and wonder how and why. What makes them work? What do they see in each other? How is this or that acceptable? Why do they stay? The list is endless. At the end of the day, only they know how and why. My job is to care about my friend and support them in what makes them happy. What that is and how they go about it is none of my business.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship then you know… they’re hard work!! The pay off are far more than the work if they’re good ones. Mine is a good one.