Marriage is hard work!

Every couple has that one fight they have over and over. OK… not all, but many. Ours came up again tonight.

I’m not going to get into the details because, frankly, they don’t matter. What matters is that I’m really hurt. I’m sitting here seriously contemplating if my husband and I should stay married. The issue which comes up is huge and really painful. I don’t know how to move on, mostly because it keeps coming up often enough that I can’t fully forgive.

He has developed a pattern of not respecting my basic emotional needs and boundaries in some key areas of our relationship. Add fuel to the fire, there was a period of infidelity thrown in the mix.

I suggested that we go to marriage counseling, knowing that this would not resolve itself on it’s own. These hurts are deep and hit the core of trust and safety in a relationship. Life happened. Money wasn’t available for counseling at the time. A million reasons. Basically, we didn’t make it a priority. Sweep it under the carpet and pretend things are ok and all will be fine. Well… they aren’t. They seriously aren’t!!!

Every little thing that happens which comes even close to resembling things that happened in the past bring all of it back for me. They flood. The feelings are all fresh again. There is little to no difference between the hurt then and the infraction now. They become one and the same.

Part of the problem here is that all of his behaviors in this area haven’t stopped. There are legitimate fresh instances where I should be upset and hurt. Not as hurt and angry as I am, but legitimately hurt.

Yell, scream, cry, threaten to leave him, set boundaries. All of the same things I’ve done every single other time. They don’t change anything because I’m not enforcing my own boundaries… and he knows I won’t so he doesn’t change what he’s doing in totality either.

What’s the definition of insanity?? Exactly.

Now that I’m calm and the emotional flurry has ended I’m reflecting on my own pattern. How do I play into this? What can I do to help change things? Is this an issue I’m willing to spend the time and energy working through? Do I trust that he will actually follow through on making changes? Will he be willing to commit to the therapy it will take for us to get through this? Am I willing to work on myself to that degree, too?

This issue isn’t only his. It’s not solely mine. This is something we’ve created together. We either need to work through it together or decide to end the relationship.

I love my husband to the ends of the Earth. That won’t change. We don’t stop loving our ex’s… the feelings shift.

The calm I’m feeling right now tells me that I’ve grown so much in the last few years! I’m not freaking out. I’m not crying because I want my marriage to work and it’s hard. I’m facing the problem head on and figuring out what’s the best course of action. I’m deciding what I want for my life rather than rolling with it and being afraid of change. Beautiful changes for a woman who has been too afraid to change things in her life until it hurt so bad I had no choice.

Honestly, I’m hoping that he will commit to marriage counseling. Not a session or two. Enough to work through the deep issues here. There is stuff in both of our life histories which makes relationships, trust, and abandonment really hard and scary. I’ve done most of the work already…. it’s why I’m sitting here writing this! He hasn’t begun to touch the tip of the iceberg. A hard road. We’re not going to make it if we’re not willing to support each other through the process of growth and recovery which will allow us to move on, forgive and build the loving, trusting relationship we want so very much.

We have the love and commitment to each other to make it through… now we just need to put our work boots on and trudge through the rough stuff.

I love you so very much, Sweetheart!

12 thoughts on “Marriage is hard work!

  1. So, I’m not going to pretend that I know anything about your marriage because it would be ignorant of me to do so based on things I read on your blog, that being said, I would like to say a few things, and these are things I’d say to every friend of mine who told me a story of this nature. So hopefully it comes across the right way.

    1. You’ve just returned home from a very scary and stressful house evacuation from the Wildfires. I’m not saying that this stress caused your fight, but the stressers you both are feeling could have exacerbated it?
    2. After reading this, I’d strongly suggest going to counselling. I think you’re absolutely right when you say that counselling would be a good idea. And I would say that you shouldn’t settle for him saying ‘no thanks’. Make him go. Bringing up old fights or old feelings or old disagreements in new fights is something that could definitely benefit from being talked about in therapy. And if it’s important to you, it should be important to him.

    Sending love and hugs ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Vee! I agree to both of those things completely! ♥ Stress certainly plays a part in fights and moods and everything else.

      As I washed the last batch of dishes, I came up with one more thing I didn’t think of. I have bipolar 1 disorder. It’s a very serious and very difficult mental health issue to deal with on the best of days and situations. Stress helped push me to a point of being overly emotional and angry.

      With that said, my feelings aren’t totally out of line. Just too extreme? I thought of a few things to add to my list of things we need to do to make our marriage work. We have both been very isolated. We really only have each other as our support system. That’s not enough. I need people. He needs people. We need people. It would also really benefit him to have a support group of others who have spouses/family with a major mental health issue. Getting me back into a setting where I have the support of others would be really beneficial, too.

      Getting our life in order so that there is not constant, long lasting stress hanging over us. Finances, our home under construction, the fires, the battle with the trustee. There’s a lot going on there!!! Getting help sorting out how to get things back in balance.

      Thank you so much for your kind words. ♥ I needed them desperately. He needs them, too, at this point. I’m harsh and cruel when I’m hurt and angry. One more thing for me to work on. *sigh* We have a strong, loving marriage… despite our struggles. In the grand scheme… our struggles are far fewer than our blessings and good things between us.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You have a serious mental illness ~ I know exactly what that’s like.
    You have just had a very traumatic life event, you had to leave your home, you didn’t really know what was going to happen, and when you got back things were a mess.
    There are some serious issues in your relationship, and from the little you have said it seems that your husband is not pulling his weight ~ far from it.
    None of this is your fault, so do not blame yourself in any way, and don’t let anyone else shuffle any fault onto you either.
    If I could suggest you lay down some hard borders ~ one of which is that your husband comes with you to counselling, and when you are there he is honest, open, and pulls his weight in every way.
    Otherwise, just walk away, or you will begin to lose yourself again. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Jack. ♥
      One of the things that happens when I explode is I fall apart after feeling guilty and less than. Hard not to take all of the responsibility for what’s going on… because I’m the “crazy” one. That what I learned all my life in my family. I know it’s not true. Hard to remember immediately following that my feelings are valid even if I explode!!
      Thank you again, Sweetie!! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Daddy and I’s marriage has suffered infidelity as well, so I feel ya girl….it is a long and difficult road back to finding trust again (his affair happened in 2015/16 and we are still trying to fight our way back). Counseling was somewhat helpful, but what helps me the most is his consistency and transparency.
    With that said…I’m sure you have learned this….emotions are fleeting. Sometimes they are super strong, and at other times, they just go away and suddenly we feel deeply loved again. Try to ride out this wave with out making any decisions. I’m hoping the sun shines upon your lovely face again soon ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for sharing your experience, Nora! Don’t hear very many people talk about making it through an affair. The general consensus is that you should just leave the minute your partner steps out. I see it as something to work through when the love is there and there’s a foundation to work with. Not always the end all be all. I feel better this morning, though we still have a lot of talking to do. Last night was just hugging, reconnecting a point of love and going right to sleep.

      Today, the doors are open, sun shining and I’m watching an adorable animated movie that hits all the right spots today. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I am glad to hear that you are feeling better ❤
        And, I agree…you don't hear too many couples talking about staying together after infidelity. After 17 years together, neither of us was ready to walk away…so here we are, putting the work in to repair and rebuild. And honestly, the affair was eye opening for both of us…we are more honest about our feelings now. I don't want to say that it was a good thing that it happened, but some good came out of it.
        Hope you enjoy your movie!
        XOXO

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I hope it all works out. You seem elated with him most of the time, so all I can say is fight until or unless you feel it’s not worth fighting for. ♥️🖤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s the main thing. Nothing is perfect. Like you said in this and other posts, it’s work! Nothing worth it is ever easy

        Liked by 1 person

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