Emotional Roller Coaster

I slept well last night. Two nights in a row. Was so very needed!!!! I didn’t sleep at all for the first couple days we were displaced. Adrenaline kicked in and kept me going. Not in that hyper way, just my body wasn’t able to slow down and rest. Certainly not sleep. A state of constant fight or flight, I guess.

I woke up just in time to catch the tale end of the 9am updates on the new. Cal Fire and the Sheriff broadcast live with up to date info and a bit of Q & A. What I got set me off on total panic!!!!

We’re in red flag warnings and the entire county is on an evacuation warning at a moments notice due to the winds. They started at 4pm and will continue to ramp up through the night without reprieve until about 3pm tomorrow.

I had a total melt down. A full blown panic attack!!!! It’s been a long time since I’ve had a panic attack like that. All I wanted to was get the Hell out of dodge!!!! Go far, far away!!! Get away from the fires and any possibility of danger. Start driving away from danger and just never return. Daddy and I had a little argument during this time. Nothing bad. Just sheer frustration! He was able to pull Himself back in and hold my hand through the moment. Help me calm down and feel safe again. He reminded me that about 40% of all the rooms sold in the hotel are to Cal Fire fire fighters here from out of the area. They’re choosing here for a reason.

I just needed to melt down and feel the exhaustion and overwhelm. Cry, get angry, shake my fist at the world. We all deal with stress and grief differently. I had to freak out so I could go back to coping.

Sad part? The fire itself is only the beginning of the stress. The recovery from this will take years again. It took us all close to a year to find a semblance of normal after the Tubbs fire. Granted, there is a much smaller degree of personal loss at this point than last time, but the emotions are the same. Worse for most of us, as we’ve already done this.

I threw myself into Mahjong to bring my stress down. Distraction works wonders at times. Took a nap. Ate solid food. Took Ruffi for a short walk and chatted with a few people along the way. Those moments of life going on are what helps to keep me in balance.

Daddy’s sound asleep next to me in preparation for His last graveyard shift of the week. I’m calm and relaxed right now. There is the ever present sense of doom and awareness that we could have to run at any moment…. yet right this moment I’m content. Ruffi is curled up happily at my feet, too.

I watched the sunset through the hotel window. It was a pretty one. The sun rises and sun sets look unique through the clouds of smoke turning them to a shade of blood orange like you rarely see in the sky. It’s dark now. The winds are whipping fiercly. They’re comparing the winds to a Stage 2 Hurricane. Not the best winds for a massive fire.

Since all is quiet and peaceful right now I’m going to sit on the couch and crochet a bit. Maybe put Netflix on my laptop.

Hope all of you are doing well. Enjoying the shift into fall and preparing for Halloween. G’nite.

9 thoughts on “Emotional Roller Coaster

    1. Thanks, Nora. We’re going home tomorrow. They lifted the evacuation order on our neighborhood a few hours ago. We went home to start the clean up process. REALLY grateful for so much. Exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. Time to get drunk!!!! That’s the next step right now. lol

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Love how they clop the coconuts!! lol There’s so much in that movie I just love. I think my favorite scene is when they meet the Knight in the forrest and they claim a “Draw” after cutting off his arms and legs. lol The humor is so dry. I love British humor in general. I used to watch Keeping Up Appearances and The Dicker of Dibly all the time.

        Liked by 1 person

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