Gotta be honest here. I was the first person on the band wagon for structure being good for us is bogus! To a large degree, I’m a 47 year old teenager. lol That shouldn’t be news to anyone that’s followed my blog more than a day or two. My life has been very structured, routine and consistent for a few years now. I depend on it. I thrive on the consistency. I know what to expect. I get things done… I’m productive. I’m mentally and physically healthy and balanced. I’m a submissive, I’m Daddy’s little one. He provides a great deal of the structure and consistency for me. For the last couple of months there’s been little structure and consistency at home due to ongoing plumbing issues. Tonight, I want to talk about what happens when that structure and consistency isn’t there.
A huge part of my structure and routine is being a house kitten, a service sub. I’m up early fixing breakfast, starting dinner and making sure that Daddy’s lunch is all ready to go before He leaves for work. I spend quite a bit of time on a daily basis cleaning the house. I never let things get to be work… daily maintenance. I walk the dog or take him to the dog park. I make sure that I’m happy, relaxed, clean and put together when Daddy gets home. So there’s daily self care in my routine. Daddy and I go to bed at roughly the same time every night… and always together. There’s a routine in how we go to bed.
Yes, I get things done, but it also serves to keep our relationship dynamic in order. Daddy has His distinct responsibilities and I have mine. It helps maintain the power exchange. We both know what’s expected of us and when. It’s the natural order of our relationship. There’s comfort in the routine. Among other things, I know that there are basic things I will do each day which will please Daddy without fail. I am reminded by those tasks that I am loved, protected, owned, and they help keep me submissive in how I think and act. Within the routine, I am able (and encouraged!) to be little most of the time.
Our home has been in a constant state of construction Hell since July 27th. We were in and out of hotels for the first few weeks. We were without running water for showers almost a month. Our kitchen was torn out a month and a half ago. We have no floors in our home. Our home looks like a construction zone. To a large degree, we’ve been camping in our own home for the last 2 months and there’s no end in sight for when this project will be completed.
This has affected every part of our relationship along with us as individuals. The stress is constant… even when things are calm and quiet. Every single one of my normal day-to-day activities has become either impossible or significantly more difficult. We’re both anxious and a mild depression has set in our home from the constant state of disaster without a solution. Tempers are shorter. Feelings are on the surface and things bother us which don’t normally. Both of our thresholds for bullshit has diminished to being non-existent. Our D/s dynamic has been impacted to a point that it’s hard to maintain the power exchange at all many days. Hurt feelings and a sense of loss stem from that missing part of our relationship. Consistency and routine play a huge part in our lives in a way I didn’t realize until it was ripped out from under us.
Housework has become an activity of the past. It’s hopeless to clean up a construction zone! Cooking is extremely difficult without counters, water in the kitchen, a means to wash pots, pans and dishes readily. Half of our kitchen supplies are packed up on the back patio waiting to come back in when the project is complete. Dishes are washed in the bathroom sink… or worse case… the bathtub. Due to the difficulty of cooking and the upkeep, I’m cooking as little as possible. We’re eating out often. Catch as catch can on meals. We’re not sitting down together as often. Each time I try to regain routine in this area, the stress and difficulty level push me back into not doing them. I feel a general sense of being useless at home and trapped in the four walls of a prison. Being home and taking care of Daddy were my joys. The things which bring me purpose on a daily basis have been stripped out from under me. I’m crabby and overwhelmed.
There is still a big battle with the trustee and the insurance company to get things finished. It’s reached a point of requiring legal action on my part. Many of the issues can only be handled by me. I can’t delegate them to Daddy or ask for help. I’m forced into a position of being big nearly all the time in the middle of a non-stop stress fest. Phone calls, errands to the insurance company, scheduling contractors…. the list is endless. I feel like I’m a hamster in a wheel running… going no where fast.
A big part of feeling submissive for me is being able to let go and have my dominant handle things. Little space is part of that. There are few circumstances in which I’m able to be of service, let go and let Daddy do it and even fewer when I can really relax and be little. Daddy watches me and worries about me knowing I need His help, but there’s nothing He can do to make it better. I’m sure there are times He feels like He’s letting me down. That’s a feeling which certainly goes both ways.
Daddy goes to work putting in long hours where He’s dealing with crap every day. He works swing and graveyard shifts with split days off. Sleep is always a challenge. He goes to work only to come home to a stressful home environment. He tells me often how bad He feels leaving me home to deal with all of this stuff on my own and that He needs to sleep during the day when He could help me with some things.
In the course of our relationship we’ve gone through a few really stressful situations. There were things outside of our control and stressful, but we were able to maintain our routine… our dynamic. The normal day-to-day flow of life remained mostly the same despite the upheaval. We made it through without hurt feelings and arguments between us. We had natural bonding times throughout the insanity.
Through this situation we’ve learned to apologize quickly. Forgive and understand nearly all issues are stemming from the stress of this insane situation. Make time to laugh and enjoy each other every day. We’re both acutely aware of overwhelming exhaustion on both sides. Most of our routine is completely gone. Non-existent. There are a few things we hold onto no matter what that help hold us together. We carve out more date nights and time than ever before. On those days when things feel “normal”, we fall into our emotional routines of Daddy & kitten and savor the moments. We laugh often saying that we know we can get through anything after this debauchel.
I long for the boring monotony of our routine life. Cooking, cleaning, knitting, walking Ruffi, taking care of Daddy. Relaxing and being His little girl nearly all the time. Daddy’s sleeping now, but I can hear Him telling me now… “Soon, kitten… soon”.