Talking about submission

Doing this writing challenge has brought up some issues I didn’t expect. I feel the need to share a bit of my personal history in order to get through the writing and be able to continue. Perhaps enlighten my readers a bit on my opinions and why I feel as I do.

My ex-husband was a Nigerian man. He was also very Catholic and held very close to traditional religious and cultural customs. He was an immigrant. There are many cultural differences when you get involved in international relationships…. some you cannot anticipate.

At the time of our marriage, I was not very familiar with D/s dynamics and I had no idea what M/s relationships were like at all. He held the cultural expectation that he would be the Master and his wife would always be his slave. It’s how he was brought up. It’s how things are done in that culture. It’s how his mother was to his father and how his sisters were trained growing up. I was raised to be anything but submissive and certainly not a slave!!!!

He expected financial submission. He expected me to be available to him sexually 24/7 without exception. He expected I serve his food to him while kneeling at his feet. He expected I be silent and He make all decisions and if he were feeling generous that day perhaps allow me to offer an opinion. He was the Master in ALL things. I was expected to obey. His expectations were religiously based as part of the culture he lived in.

This man physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and financially abused me for the duration of our marriage. I did not at any time agree to a M/s relationship, in fact I was adamant that I would not bow to him in that way. Marital rape was a norm in our marriage. I was constantly humiliated and punished for not adhering to the “rules” set forth I did not agree to.

There are good and bad in all things. When an entire culture trains men to be Masters and the women to be silent slaves it’s a recipe for harm. I can tell you horror stories of religiously based submission what would make anyone refuse to engage for that reason. We also have pockets in the US where the same M/s dynamic is trained at home and through the generations. To me, THIS is frightening. There is no actual choice or consent. My sisters in law were not submissive to their husbands because they are true submissives, rather because they’re expected to be and have no recourse in their families for expecting equal treatment. Disobeying a husband for any reason would have her beaten by her own father and brothers only to be sent back to the husband. This is forced submission… NO! Abuse of women!!!! This is what my ex was like along with his expectations.

When I talk to other subs married to good men who are already a bit on the kinky side who add the religiously based submission into their marriages, I’m delighted for them!! They’re expressing choosing a lifestyle which works for their marriage. I read about them enjoying the punishment and like the power exchange. When I read these blogs, I feel a connection to them just like I do many other subs. Our underlying feelings are the same around our husbands and our roles as subs. We’re submissive because it’s who and what we are AND we enjoy it!!

Because of my experience with the ex, I have some hard and fast rules in place to protect myself from EVER being treated badly again. I also have experiences which many may not know exist or think about when they talk about religiously based submission. I’m the first to admit that some of my attitudes are skewed based on really bad experiences. They offer as a lesson for others to learn from my experience.

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