I’ve been trying to find the time to log in and blog a bit for days now. It does me well to sit down and write. It’s one of my coping skills to reduce stress and stay sane. Things have been too busy and stressful to do it.
I mentioned that Daddy’s friend, T, flew in from Boston this past Sunday. I picked her up, got her settled in the hotel before we went to pick Daddy up from work. Then we went out for a few hours. Daddy and i didn’t get to bed until 3am. I had to be home early the next morning to meet the insurance adjuster.
Monday was the start of one of the most stressful weeks of my life. Insurance adjuster was there and the Trustee was very late arriving making him repeat everything twice. The water mitigation company was 2.5 hours late keeping the trustee at my home nearly all day. We were starving, it was hot… and we had company who wanted to go out and do fun things. Daddy hadn’t slept enough in 3 days and worked that night, too.
We had a water mitigation guy standing in our home freaked out that this hadn’t been taken care of long before now. We got the black mold lecture along with it being imperative that this problem be dealt with immediately. The trustee didn’t think it was that bad and was still dicking around about using Home Depot for a water heater replacement versus a plumbing company. The screaming began. I was losing my ability to tolerate his shit any more!!!!
Tuesday morning, the plumber came out to replace the water heater, which I knew all along was only part of the problem, and within 2 hours of the installation my home was flooded once again!! At this point, I’m absolutely losing my shit!!!! Water mitigation company comes out to clean up the immediate water damage. I’m on the phone with the trustee who doesn’t understand what’s going on. He’s calling the plumbing company irreputable. I get the plumbing company out to see what’s going on and stop the immediate water. He shuts everything down and makes an appointment for the next day.
At this point, my stress level is well beyond a 10. I’m hysterical, exhausted, angry, and I’m still fighting with the stupid trustee to handle shit. I insist that we get into a hotel THAT NIGHT. I arrange, or so I thought, for trustee to be at the house Wednesday morning to be there for the plumber. He opened the house up and then LEFT!!!!!
I get messages from the plumber that he was there and had to leave because no one was home. I’ve got multiple messages from the insurance company about the hotel stay but I don’t have enough information to even call back and know what the hell I’m talking about. Trustee wasn’t available by phone until almost 1pm. I’m outraged!!!! He met us at the house and the real fight began.
Have I mentioned that this friend of my husband’s has been sitting there on her phone playing word with friends through all of this? Didn’t pick up a towel to soak up water during the flooding. Didn’t do a damn thing except be in the way, want time to do fun things and totally fail to see that our family is in distress and needed some private down time. Who could see this situation and not realize that I would need some quiet, downtime with my husband and that entertaining a guest during this time is totally unreasonable?!?!?! Yes, I am angry plus some at his friend!!!!
As I’m waiting for trustee to get to the house, I’m on the phone with my lawyer getting help from her. I’m trying to straighten out what’s going on with the hotel through insurance with absolutely NO information. I’m hungry. I’m exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. I’ve reached a point where I just don’t calm down because each time I do, I”m thrown right back into this quagmire of shit.
Trustee gets to the house and is showing serious signs of dementia and confusion. He has no idea what he’s talking about. He tells me that he talked to his financial adviser for hours that morning and is going to resign and will be hiring an attorney based on that person’s advice. I had to call my lawyer 3 more times while he was there to get basic things done so I can begin to actually handle the affairs he’s not.
I got the call during all of this that the water mitigation company was coming Thursday morning to remove the flooring and start work. They’d be removing walls and serious demo work. I’m looking around my house at how much needs to be done to get ready for them. The friend is hungry, despite being offered food I had cooked at home. Daddy took them out to do fun stuff. I didn’t have the voice yet to tell her to GO HOME or fend for herself. I needed my husband to be there for and with ME through this. My entire life has been in upheaval for almost 2 weeks now. Upheaval and a constant fight!!!! I throw a fit on our way to do fun stuff and tell them to go, but take me home to get shit done. I couldn’t be around “people” anymore. I needed to able to let down and cry and be sad and angry and be weak. I needed my Daddy to comfort me. I didn’t have the words yet to tell his friend that she shouldn’t be here. I felt put upon. Anyone with an ounce of respect and common sense would see that family time was needed. And to me, she is a total stranger. Don’t know about you, but I don’t want a stranger in the middle of my emotional breakdown!
I threw away all the food that had already started to go bad from not having kitchen access due to drying equipment and being away from home. I packed up all of our personal things and take them upstairs to make it easier for the guys to pull up the floors and do their work. I sat in my living room shaking and crying from the stress and exhaustion. I’m outraged with my husband for putting me in a position where I feel I can’t ask for what I need. Daddy and his friend, T, went for a few drinks and spend time together while I did all the work… one more time.
I called MY bestie to hang out with me and help me carry things upstairs. Mainly, just spend time with someone who loves and adores me. No stress. No drama. Someone that’s safe for me to break down with. He took one look at me and saw the dead stare in my eyes from the exhaustion and overwhelm. As my friend held me, I started to sink back into my body and the shaking began to stop. He couldn’t believe that my husband wasn’t there doing this with me! It’s exactly what his husband does, too. We talked and laughed as much I could through the stress. We got done what needed to be done.
Bestie walked out the door almost as soon as Daddy and T walked in. They walked in happy and relaxed after getting a couple drinks and enjoying some fun. Apparently, my bestie shot Daddy a look of serious disapproval for leaving me to deal with this while going out with his friend to play. I missed it, but I wish I’d seen it!!!!
I was exhausted!!! I wasn’t ok. I’d already been having panic attacks for days and my mood was out of whack from the constant stress and the constant lack of sleep. Daddy and T wanted to go out and play more. T wasn’t ready to go back to her room yet. I said I was done for the night. Daddy told her he’d meet her in the lobby in 5 minutes. The elevator doors closed and I finally snapped!!!!
Up until this point, I haven’t been angry at Daddy. I told him he NEEDED to stay in with me tonight. I reminded him of his responsibility to me first, as his wife, and his friend secondarily. I wasn’t ok and I NEEDED him!!! I told him his friend needed to go home or fend for herself the rest of the time she’s here.
Now we’re fighting!!! He’s angry at me and blaming me for saying one thing and then another. I’m telling him we haven’t had a 5 minute private conversation since Sunday and I’m not ok dealing with our relationship in front of a stranger! I’m yelling at him for not being a good husband and putting her first even when I told him what I needed and that he’s never taken the time to ask me if I’m ok or what I need. He expected me to play second fiddle to this lifelong friendship where they’re comfortable with each other, but to me… she’s a total stranger. I’ve never met her before this. She didn’t come for a day or two. She came for a fucking week demanding that we entertain her and whining when she didn’t get it in the ways she wanted. Home and family first when there’s an emergency!!!! This isn’t a good time for a guest!!! I demanded that he stay in with me. He’s having a fit that I’m angry at him and he doesn’t get to do what he wants. He’s still trying to people please this friend of his instead of helping his wife!!!! He’s throwing a fit.
He cancels with her and she throws a fit and threatens to leave on the next available flight. BUT SHE DIDN”T!!!!! She was just being a cunt and having a tantrum for not getting her way!! Now Daddy’s even more angry at me because I say good, she should’ve left or not come at all.
I’m falling apart!!! I really NEEDED Daddy to hold me and keep me safe. I needed a little bit of normalcy and to feel safe for a bit. He’s angry and pushes me away. I’m hurt and more hurt and still more hurt. Eventually he cuddles me, but he’s still distant and not Daddy. He’s angry at himself and at me for demanding he be Daddy!!!!
I thought that night I was totally clear that this friend, T, needed to go and not have our time or attention. Since she wasn’t leaving, she could fend for herself. That’s what any polite person would do. Bow out gracefully knowing how hard things were and that this wasn’t the best time to be a guest. Apparently, Daddy heard differently. He didn’t hear that I don’t want her any where near us or taking our time. I NEED HIM!!!!!!!
We spent the first part of yesterday waiting for the work crew to show up to tear our home apart. We had lunch. I thought we were going to spend a quiet day together. Rest in the room some and then get back out, but do quiet things for us. I thought we were both on target for having Daddy & kitten time until things are back to normal at home. I thought he understood how much I need him.
I was sitting on the bed when the phone rang and T asked me bitchily if Daddy was ready yet. I had no idea they’d made plans to go out. I thought the day was ours. They left and several hours later, I go into yet another panic attack. I don’t have my car. I’m stuck in a hotel room by myself. I have no idea where they are or what they’re doing. I’m ready to get out of the room. I needed MY HUSBAND!!! My mood has already been all over the place for days. I called her cell phone and talked to Daddy. I was irate and told him to get back here NOW!!!! Told him to tell her to GO HOME! She’s not welcome!!! He hung up on me telling me how wrong I am and inappropriate I’m being.
Since Daddy wouldn’t tell her to leave, I did!!!! I called right back and told her that her being here during all of this is a huge imposition. She needs to leave or fend for herself. I told her she’s been rude and never even offered to give us a little time together to discuss what we need as a family, as a couple. She started bitching at me about how much money she spent coming out here to visit HER BESTFRIEND. At that point, I told I don’t give a fuck how much she’s spent. Not my problem. I reminded her that he’s her FRIEND and MY HUSBAND. At that point, she hung up on me. FINE! All that much better!!!
Daddy gets back to the hotel room and starts screaming at me how wrong I am and what I said. All of his assumptions based on the little I said about needing a quiet day. It got ugly!!! I told him not to side with her at all. I am 100% right that if she were truly a friend, she’d see that this is not a good time for a vacation all about her. The more he yelled at me for being wrong, the angrier I got and finally told him to go home with her then. Don’t come back. I”m done playing second fiddle to his female friends!!!!!!
He went out for a smoke and I grabbed my purse and Ruffi and headed for the hospital. I’d known for days I wasn’t ok, but with all of the stress and fucking drama, I wasn’t able to do any of my selfcare things. He wasn’t available to ask for his help. He’d essentially left me dealing with all of this. We ran into each other in the elevator lobby. He came with me.
I hit the ER and they immediately put me on a temporary psych hold until they evaluate me further. I was stripped of my personal clothing, my dignity. I wasn’t told I was being held for evaluation. When I got upset about these paper clothes being so small I couldn’t move and demanded my clothing back, I was surrounded by 3 giant security guards and an RN in my face telling me to calm down. I didn’t know I was on a hold of any kind, so I tried to leave. This huge man almost grabbed me and I’m screaming that he best not touch me. I asked for my husband to come back with me and the nurse threatened he couldn’t come back if I was going to be upset.
I got a shot of ativan and hours later talked to a psychologist who was quick to send me home. She insisted that I need quiet, as much stability as possible. She said what I’d been saying for 2 days. I needed things quiet, no company, no drama. I needed support, affection, protection, to feel safe. I needed to be able to stop. I needed to able to cry. I didn’t need an audience while I was struggling to hold my life together because it feels so overwhelming. Daddy finally got it. It HAS to be about me right now. I can’t handle this much stress. He had to choose between this friend and me right now. He chose me once he understood that I wasn’t just being jealous and bitchy. He saw that I was doing everything I could to hold things together until my little body just couldn’t do it anymore.
Returned to nasty messages on the machine demanding a ride to the airport at 4am and she’d be out of our lives forever. Daddy took her. We’re not talking about it today.
Day 14? I’m sitting in a hotel room with Daddy finally getting the sleep he’s desperately needed and Ruffi snuggled up beside Him. I’m blogging, watching TV, finding little funny things here and there. I’m staying as calm and quiet as humanly possible. I’m exhausted.
When all is said and done…. I don’t want that woman in my life at all. It doesn’t mean that Daddy can’t be her friend. It just means that I don’t want to see her. She’s not welcome in my home. I won’t be put in a position where I’m having to ask my husband to choose me over his friend. I will never ask him to walk beside ME instead of in front of me next to her or sit in a bar/restaurant with his back to me as he talks to her. This will NEVER happen again.
They dated for 5 years and lived together both as lovers and roommates. They’ve been friends for many years since then. Their relationship has been a best friend/companion type thing. Romance and sex have been gone for more than 15 years, but the constant relationship as primary relationship hasn’t changed until now. She has been jealous of Daddy’s other girlfriends to the point of practically making him choose. Here it is again. She’s no longer that person in his life. I am. I come first no matter what. She’s his friend… and only his friend. If she wants more, she needs to find herself a partner of her own. Until she understands 100% he is married and the dynamic of their relationship has changed FOREVER, she is not welcome in any part of my life.
I’ve lost all respect for her given the entire scenario here. My fight is done. I’m tired. She’s gone!!! Hopefully I’ll be back in my home soon. The trustee has finally resigned. The proper work on my home is finally being done!!!
I saw some aspects of my husband in this situation which we will need to address down the line. For today, I can relax some. Be quiet. BREATHE!!! Wait for life to go back to normal.
7 thoughts on “Day 14- Water Damage”
Oh my goodness, bless your heart! I 100% agree that his friend was being rude and bitchy. Unfortunately, we women seem to have a keen ability to sense both good and bad intentions that men just don’t possess. They can be so completely oblivious to a woman’s intuition. I hate his friend for you now, too. Hate may be a strong word, but I strongly dislike her anyway. I hope you are able to relax, take a deep breath without anymore stress piling up for at least a little while.
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Thanks, Honey!!!! Hate is too strong a word for me, too, at this point. Yesterday was calm and quiet after she was gone. We both slept, relaxed and ultimately bonded again and got the comfort we needed from one another through all of this. Daddy was struggling to hold it together for everyone and was cracking under the stress. That is part of what angered me. His friend didn’t see the impact it was having on him, but I did. I needed to protect both of us. The man avoids confrontation like the plague, though it almost always makes things worse. One more instance of that.
Home is being torn apart even further now. lol I feel like I’m on an episode of Fixer Upper with Chip & Joanna on HGTV!!!! lol I’m getting an unplanned renovation!!!! Bathroom, floors, and now my kitchen cabinets. With the immediate stress gone of trying to get the work started and get us into a safe place to be during the work, I can find the humor in it again.
I had a realization about that friend of Daddy’s which He confirmed. He’d just never thought of it before. They dated for a while when they were in their 20s (30 years ago now!), but they’ve stayed friends. They’ve been roommates on and off, gone on vacations together. They’ve been strictly platonic for nearly 30 years, but the relationship has been very close and she’s not needed a partner because he’s always been there. She’s not dealing well with the transition of Him being a HUSBAND to someone else. It’s not intentional. I’ve taken her place in all things and she’s taking the backseat totally. Honestly, my mom and I had a really close relationship most of my life. There were times she was jealous of my friends and certainly when I had a man in my life. She loved me and wanted me to be happy, she was displaced and missed me. I see this friend as being very much like my mom, but with Stephen. It’s a way of viewing it that’s kinder and I can think more kindly of her rather see her as horning in where she doesn’t belong!
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Wow! What a week from hell. I’m so sorry for the shit storm you’ve been dealing with.
And honestly, that woman seems like a real kniving biotch. She’s not the type of person you two need in your lives, no matter how long she’s been friends with your husband. Perhaps she can stay at a distance… of a million miles away, from now on.
You’ve had a shiteous time. I was wondering why you’d been so quiet. I’m so sorry for what’s been happening. Sending hugs from afar. Hopefully you get the peace you need and the attention you rightfully deserve. And hopefully your other half is through his being a d***** stage. Because that shit ain’t cool.
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Thanks, V!! Once I told her to go, she had a ticket booked within a couple hours or less. She was a bitch about it, but that’s ok. Not my problem. My husband was stuck in the middle. He’s the kind of person who avoids conflict at all cost, even though it ALWAYS creates more. We’re all a work in progress. We both slept almost all day yesterday. Neither of us wanted to see people or leave the room. We needed quiet, safety, stability and each other. He just didn’t know how to make that happen. I had to. We’re ok… and I”M OK!!!! Still a bit reactive, but not like I was. I have my supportive, doting Husband back to help ease the stress. Also, things at home are being taken care of. More demolition today to find and repair damage, but I’m handling it. 🙂 I feel like I’m on one of those Fixer Upper shows on HGTV, just unplanned. LOL
You made it. Take care of yourself. That whole experience sounds awful.
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It really was, David. ♥ Thank you. Things are calmer now and there is an actual plan in play. I should be home by the middle of next week? Cabinets in the kitchen are being torn out today due to a leak in there. Still not sure if it’s in the walls or the foundation. Hoping for walls!!!! I’m coping better. Daddy is actually doing better now that company is gone, too. He doesn’t have to put on a strong(er) face than usual. He’s been able to let go and cry a little and he’s finally getting ample sleep. We were both on the dead run with all of this going on and trying to host company. Today is beautiful out. We might hit the beach or something else relaxing and outdoors.
Beach sounds good.