Mean Fat Girls

Did my title get your attention? If it didn’t… read on. I’ll give you reason to read.

I had a rough ending to a friendship a year ago. I’d finally broken out of my chains of being an ugly, fat girl and was delighting in the attention based on my looks for the first time in my life. Yes, I’m sexy and I know it!!! I love the attention! Look at me, tell me I’m pretty, use my pics as jerk off material (just don’t tell me very much detail about that part! LOL). This friend had a hard time with my pictures and liking the sexual attention based on my looks. One too many judgmental comments came my direction with absolutely no insight that she was being a mean girl.

There’s an assumption of fat girls that the thin, pretty girls are mean, judgmental and unaccepting of other women.. Yes, there are some. There are mean people everywhere!!! The reality is, once you leave high school and those real young years, it’s the pretty girls who are nicer and more supportive of other women. I know this first hand.

Goat Rock Beach, Bodega Bay. I’m pushing 300 lbs here.
Last year having lunch with a friend about the time the incident occurred.

I spent the vast majority of my life being in the 300 lb range. I was one of those fat mean girls. I was cruel, judgmental, rude and full of horrible things to say about thin, pretty girls. Their clothes are tacky. Look how they like the attention. Look at how they use sex to get what they want. They’d never accept me, I’m not pretty enough. I’m not like them. The list of comments and judgments covered just about every part of their existence. Bottom line? Jealousy!! I was mean and nasty in how I viewed them because I was jealous and felt less than. This held true of all my friends. This is what was spewed at me, hate and jealousy for being a pretty girl.

My weight didn’t change how people treated me. Well, to an extent it did. The bigger issue wasn’t the number on the scale, it was how I felt about myself. As my self-esteem grew, I didn’t shut myself off from people who could reject me based on my looks. I allowed people to be nice to me. I started to allow myself to be pretty. Hair done, make-up on, dress in a way that flattered my figure. I stopped hiding and, well… people of all kinds took notice and liked me! This is also when I was able to lose the weight.

The biggest fear of my life was being sexy and pretty!!! When I hit my goal weight, I bought my first little strapless sundress. It wasn’t super sexy or revealing. It was just a simple little summer dress. The first time I wore it out, I had a major panic attack and had to hurry home! I felt unsafe, vulnerable… I got attention I wasn’t used to. I spent the next week in baggy sweats and tshirts getting myself back in my comfort zone where I felt safe in the world. It took me a long adjustment time to be able to show my body and be comfortable with what I look like. Not just my body, but my face. Learning to see myself as pretty, beautiful even… and be ok with that. Learning that it’s ok to acknowledge that I’m attractive and not be an ego maniac.

In many ways, I’m not the same person today that I was 5 or 6 years ago. I’m still Jodie. I’m still smart and funny. I’m confident about who I am inside and out. I’m not afraid of who or what I am. I love every ounce of myself. I am not ashamed of my body anymore… even the rolls, stretch marks and imperfections. I’m beautiful… and not just on the inside. Confidence is a gift and it’s incredibly sexy!!!!

Here’s the best part. I’m confident and sexy and a whole bunch of other things. I also love my sisters who are still suffering and struggling. I don’t hide them. I don’t judge them. I don’t avoid them or hang out with them to make me feel better about myself. These are all things I said and believed prior to weight loss and finding myself. If anything, my heart hurts for them and I want to pull them up to feel the beauty of being OK in their own skin. I have met a multitude of women along the way who have done the same for me.

I was extremely hurt by this woman’s comments and judgments based on my looks. I saw straight through to her pain and jealousy. Hurt people hurt people. I had done nothing to her. She was imparting all of her crap on me. All I wanted was to be her friend.

I distanced myself so I could approach my hurt feelings from a better place and be kind to her. What I got instead was more judgment and blame that she’s never been one of the pretty girls. Eventually all I could say was I’m sorry she’s not happy with herself and her lack of self esteem didn’t make it ok to be mean and rude to me. Of everyone, I understand most where she’s coming from. One last guilt trip was layed in response to my boundaries. I was done. I had no choice but to leave the friendship.

Her words and actions hurt me more than just about anyone else. I used to be her!!! I fought my ass off to be strong, confident and loving of myself in all areas. I was temporarily set back to a point of questioning myself and judging myself. I’m fortunate to have people in my life to set me straight and give me perspective and support to help me snap out of it readily.

Women, stop judging each other! Take a look at your motives before you judge or say something hurtful. You have no idea what impact you’ll have or what the other girl is battling. Being mean based on looks says way more about you than the other person. Mean girls feel shitty about themselves.

8 thoughts on “Mean Fat Girls

  1. Wow. As a man, I’ve just been desperate to be loved by a woman. I’ve spent most of my life trying to unpack all the issues around health and self-esteem. It seems like we’re basically in different wards at the same insane asylum.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ohhhh… you bet we are!!! I think we all push away people who may really like/love us based on how we perceive ourselves. Not talking to or asking out because he/she is “outta my league” and not trusting compliments and genuine interest out of low self-esteem.

      Welcome to the wonderland of being totally human! 🙂 ♥


      1. Oh yeah.There is a fine line between just getting some ass and being totally dehumanized in the process. I dunno if that is away from the point or not.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Being dehumanized in the process has to do with expectations and self-esteem, in my experience. There have been periods in my life where I wanted nothing other than sex. A quickie, a one night stand. There can be power in that, too. I have done that when I’ve felt I’m not good enough for more… and I’ve done it when I’ve been confident and truly not wanted more. Being honest with myself about my motives and needs have been what has made it joyous or hurtful. The other person had nothing to do with it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. That post means a lot to me. I’ve been trying to “reverse engineer” my brain these past few years. And the sexuality enigma is front and center. You input is invaluable.

    Liked by 1 person

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