BDSM: Safety & Consent

i’ve been in a safe, loving, consensual BDSM relationship with my Master for over a year now. i am owned and collared by Him, He is also my Daddy. We share many kinks with the main dynamic of our relationship being Daddy/babygirl. Finding the perfect fit in a BDSM relationship is even harder than a vanilla relationship. Today i’m going to share some of my experiences along the way of finding my Forever Daddy.

At no point in my sexual life have i not been involved in some level of kink. i had no idea that many of the things i liked and did were considered kinky… or anywhere near the BDSM spectrum. i was shocked, honestly, when i found out.

i use a lowercase “i” to represent myself as a submissive. It’s indicative of the power exchange shared with a Dominant partner. i am submissive to Daddy all the time. In the bedroom for sure, but all of the time. i am not less than in our dynamic, i give Daddy the power to make big decisions for our lives with my input, i do as He says because it pleases Him and me to do so, i am His little girl to protect and care for. In return, i am obedient and trust Him. This trust did not happen overnight, nor did the totality of our power exchange. It’s built on trust.

When I was about 29 I met a guy through a dating site. We did not discuss anything about sexual preferences, likes, dislikes before we slept together after dating for a while. He turned out to be a Dom and a sadist. Being naturally submissive and drawn to domination and dominant men, I had a hard time setting limits with him around what went on. At no time did he ask if I wanted to participate in BDSM activities. He did not explain what he wanted to do. He just did them. These are huge No-No’s in the BDSM world. Like any sexual situation, consent is mandatory!

I found myself in a situation with him where I was being ordered to lie down and get a spanking whether I consented or not. The next time, I was ordered to lie on my tummy and he administered pain through a violent wand. Violent wands use electrical impulse to create pain shocks. When I screamed and did not like it, he shamed and humiliated me for being a wimp.

Surprisingly, I went out with him one last time. I share these accounts to help inexperienced subs learn what to watch for and how to be safe. It was not until I fully entered the BDSM community that I was told by multiple male Doms that all of these situations were incredibly not acceptable. The next one I’m about to share breaks laws. At the time, I didn’t fully understand the gravity of the situation I was in.

He took me out of town for my birthday. We went to a nice dinner. He booked us into a nice hotel room. We didn’t negotiate at all what was going to happen between us. We had no safety plan. He did not encourage me to have a safety plan. ALL of these things are huge indicators that this man had no interest in me as a human being, my safety, my consent, only doing what he wanted to do.

At some point we started to have sex. There were no spankings or pain. He did not ask before pushing a small vibrator in my ass during intercourse. It wasn’t pleasurable, rather it was uncomfortable. I never enjoyed sex with this man. When he was finished, he went to pull the vibrator out. There was no string on it. It was lodged under my pelvic bone. For nearly an hour he tapped on it trying to pull it out. I begged him to take me to the ER. He refused because he was embarrassed. Refusing medical treatment when needed is a legal offense. He left me lying naked on the hotel room bed as he left. He refused to tell me where he was going. He only said he’d be right back. When he returned, he said he’d been to a local auto parts store to purchase a pair of needle nose pliers. I begged, pleaded, refused to allow him to do this. Here is where he broke another serious law, he would have gone to jail for a very long time. He put me in major physical jeopardy. He used the pliers to remove the vibrator without my consent. Had he slipped a little or anything gone wrong, I could have bled out from all of the blood vessels there.

When I was first formally introduced to BDSM it was through a guy I met on Tinder. From our conversations, it became obvious to him that I am a sub. He had me read a thick book on BDSM consent, safety, activities, negotiations before he would meet me in person. This man was the first person I’d really talked to about what happened with the other man years before and he instantly explained to me all that was wrong with this scenario. He began the process of teaching me, as woman and a sub, how to protect myself.

I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t played at all between the Tinder guy and Daddy. I don’t lie that well. 😉 It was about an 18 month period of time. In that time, I learned how to indicate a good Dom from an unsafe one. The good ones I met along the way, taught me more and more about safety, negotations, and ultimately how to interview a Dom. That guy made it perfectly clear to be sure I understood that yes, Doms consider the subs and interview us, but as subs, we too, should be interviewing the Doms we consider. He gave me a list of nearly 200 questions to ask a prospective Dom to be sure that he is a good fit. That fella didn’t work out well at all, but he sure guided me well into ascertaining that Daddy is a keeper and the right Dom for me.

I’ve talked about consent violations here. There is a great deal of misunderstanding about what it means to be owned and collared. Even in the thick of the community I’ve had both men and women disrespect Daddy and me for our relationship style and choice. Once again, consent is the ground work in our M/s relationship. In the early stages of our relationship, Daddy and i hammered out what is and isn’t OK for both of us. What are our expectations? How we handle when one of us breaks rules. Will i be punished for breaking rules? What, if any, are the limits of His ownership? How much control does He have? How much autonomy do i have? The list goes on and on about every aspect of our relationship. Every part of our relationship was negotiated and understood before Daddy collared me. i am Daddy’s slave and servant because i choose to be. There is NO disrespect in this at all. i am His cherished little one. He cares for me, protects me, rules our home, dominates me sexually. Even in areas of play where we engage in consensual non-consent, we have discussed all of our limits and expectations before hand. There is mutual respect on every level of our relationship. In the BDSM world, i am Daddy’s property.

I share these experiences because there are so many new, inexperienced subs who have no idea how things are supposed to be. I began the journey with a stumble that allows me to talk about what no to do. There are worse stories out there, believe me. Mine isn’t small, by any means. I’m just grateful. I was fortunate enough to run into a bunch of wonderful men along the way who taught me so much about what good domination and submission look like. Boundaries being respected. The role of a Dom outside of sex and other kink elements. I met a good number of subs who also helped me along the way. I was able to safely explore the kinkier side of my sexuality to discover who and what I really am.

When I told my former best friend that I was getting involved in BDSM, she was terrified for me! lol She was engaging in some bondage stuff herself there. 😉 Knowledge is the key. Now, I’m not saying that some of the activities Daddy and i engage in don’t have some risk factors that vanilla sex doesn’t. I’m saying that with a good dynamic where there are consent and negotiation, some of the riskier activities aren’t so unsafe.

Find resources to learn safety. Ask questions!! Don’t trust blindly. Have fun…. with a plan to protect yourself.

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