I’ve watched the numbers on the scale go up slowly for the last few month. At first I blamed the gluten. I wasn’t willing to look at how my portions have increased and how I’m eating whatever whenever. I haven’t done this in years. I mean like a decade!!!

When Daddy and I went hiking on Monday and I saw the pictures of myself…. my heart sank. I honestly haven’t seen myself like that in the mirror. I think I wasn’t willing to see it. I’m not blind, I saw…. I wasn’t willing to see, to acknowledge it.

Going hiking that day was part of my plan to start getting myself back on track. I know I haven’t exercised regularly in a long time now. My excuses have run out. I haven’t made it a priority.

Exercise and a ton of water started the initial gluten water weight loss. I’m down 11 pounds since Monday. Now the hard part begins. Getting my lifestyle back to a place where I can lose the remainder of the weight and maintain it again.

To be totally honest, I’m so hungry I can hardly think of anything else…. but I don’t want to eat. The old thoughts are kicking in. You’re ok, you can do this. You don’t have to eat if you don’t want to. Just think of the outcome. The weight will be off in no time. Daddy won’t know that I haven’t eaten since dinner last night when He wakes up. It’s my body! I can do what I want. All the unhealthy E.D. thoughts I know so very well.

This is how it always began. I’d gain enough that I couldn’t stand myself anymore, then I’d say I was going to diet or get into a healthy routine, but the insideous thoughts would start…. and I’d be off and running in yet another anorexic period.

Right this moment…. I hate myself. I hate the struggle, how I feel inside, that my head is totally fucked up around my body image and mostly that I’ve allowed it to happen again.

Relapse happens in chronic, lifelong conditions. Intellectually, I know this. It’s a blip and I can get myself back into the zone of being healthy and making healthy choices.

So my commitment to myself is to go back to a couple of the things I know work.

• Keeping a food log
• Eating 3 meals a day
• Getting exercise daily
• Making an effort to look good every day

Now to do something good for myself. Self-soothing. Bring myself out of this heap of shitty emotions and judgment of myself. A hot bath is one of my favorites.