Just two years ago I was struggling to get out of a very bad marriage. Papers were filed and the divorce was due to be final in a few weeks. He was gone, no contact… letting go wasn’t so easy.
Abuse is insidious. You don’t see it coming. Then you’re trapped in a relationship you never dreamed you’d be in. Every part of me was stripped to the core. I was a shell of a human being. I fought so hard to get away and begin to feel like I’d be able to survive without him. That’s part of the cycle of abuse. Create dependency on many levels and tear the person down so they don’t feel worthy of life itself and glom on to the person who’s tearing them apart because they’re the only one left. Sick. It’s really sick. It’s hard to understand from the outside. Looking back, it’s hard to believe that I lived that life for as many years as I did. That I allowed another person to tear me down and that it was hard for me to let go of him even after the relationship was clearly over and the divorce nearly final.
I did what all divorcees do to find themselves again. I dated. A lot! The course of my dating inadvertently led me to a kinky social media site I’d never heard of. It was suggested by a guy I was talking to prior to us meeting. All I could say was WOW! So much stuff I didn’t know existed. Others I knew about or had been involved with but didn’t have a name for. And there were people to talk to about it all!!!
I’m never quite sure what it is about me, but men are drawn to me like moth to a flame. It’s always kinda been that way. It’s more than my outsides. A pretty face and luscious curves. There’s appeal to my personality. I’ve come to think that part of that is my little side. Playful banter, a little dependent. Sweet and innocent all the while not at all. I will never know completely. No one has been able to give me an answer. I do know that men fall in love with me. I came to warn men I was talking to prior to marrying Daddy. A couple laughed and said they never fall in love… only to find themselves snared in my charm.
Anyway, after a very brief time on the site, I stumbled across a man who would be my rock and heartbreak for the next 9 months. They were not easy months for either of us. My life was in constant flux and I struggled in many ways. He was very far away. LDR are a bitch… especially when it’s never going to fulfill a real life void when feelings get involved. The first few months were out of this world. I couldn’t ask for much more. I was his collared sub and he was my first Daddy. It was with G that I started to understand that I’m a little and what that means.
G taught me a lot about BDSM and the D/s dynamic. He taught me protocols and respect. I had good training as a sub. Feelings developed between us. The dreaded “L” feeling happened for us both. It was a disaster waiting to happen. Once our emotions were involved, the distance became a huge issue. The fact that we both needed sexual gratification beyond online stuff was a killer. That’s when things began to fall apart. I remember him telling me he wanted me to have a full life with all that I need to be happy. There was anger and hurt when he told me it made him to sick to think of another man touching me, but it was the only way it could be. The following months were hurtful, joyful and a struggle for us both. Neither of us wanted to let go, but it had to happen. Again, I struggled to do so. Our final days were a daily torture. It was killing me! I came to hate the man I once loved and looked to for shelter.
G got frustrated with me more than once that I needed a full time partner instead of just sex. I knew that I needed a Daddy here to help me with things and meet all the needs he never would. He couldn’t seem to understand that being a little all alone in the world was sometimes too much. A chat wasn’t always enough. Not just hugs and kinky sex, but real world things like unclogging the toilet and mowing my overwhelming lawn. I was well aware of my limitations in handling everything by myself.
On again off again for a couple months. I started talking to other Doms locally. I was considering one when I met Daddy. It happens that the very night Daddy said His first hello, I had the final fight with G that ended us forever. Door slammed hard. It had been a long time coming. I tried to blow off Daddy for the night because I knew I’d be irritable and all kinds of stuff. He was patient and gentle, kind. I was honest about what was going on. He stood by me and listened and chatted. Soon I’d forgotten about the drama and found myself thoroughly enjoying this man.
Daddy knew right away I was the girl for Him. He stopped talking to other people aside from friends. Online flirtations stopped. He was ready to commit to me and knew I was the one. With this 9 month relationship just ending on top of being less than a year out of my marriage, I was slow to commit. Daddy wanted to collar me after our first chat.
We chatted clear into the night and then several hours on the phone in the morning. From that first hello, we clicked. There has never been that awkward getting to know you stage. We were like a hand in glove from the moment we met.
Hearing that Daddy lived in Massachusetts, I was even more reluctant to get involved. I was terrified I would end up falling in love, once again, with a man I couldn’t have. My heart couldn’t take it. We continued talking. Another Dom approached me, and again, I told Daddy. We were together, yet not totally. I really fought not to get involved. The first guy wasn’t right and I cast him to the wayside rather harshly. Serious boundary violations!
I was torn between these two men. Daddy was awesome and just lit up my world. Things were easy and fun. The other guy, R, was…. fun but challenging. He didn’t know what he wanted! He was all over the place! Our kinks aligned very closely. The kink chemistry was off the charts!!! On that level we were hot to trot. On a personal level… well, not so much.
I told Daddy that I was really struggling. I texted with R during the day and then as evening rolled around, Daddy and I would kick into our time. So very different. I knew I loved Daddy. We’d been telling each other since probably way too soon. It was just… right.
My birthday rolled around last year and I finally had a date with R. Daddy knew all about it. He sat there with knots in His stomach feeling sick that I was spending time with another man. He waited patiently for me. Daddy never wavered. I did! I wasn’t ready yet. I was so afraid!!
Time with R was… so not a bag of chips! I was disappointed from the moment we met face-to-face. How he spoke, how he dressed, his mannerisms…. all a turn off to me! There was sexual chemistry… so long as I didn’t look at him or talk to him. Awful, I know! Nothing much went on. A little feel up, some snuggles, a pinched nipple.
When R left, I sat there alone. I felt empty. Every fiber of my being screamed that I’d cheated on Daddy. We weren’t totally committed yet. He knew I was waffling and afraid. He also knew I loved Him. When our time came to talk that night, I was met with joy and happy birthdays. He showered me with love and tenderness and playfulness like He always does. I started to cry. How kind and loving He was made it all that much worse. I told Him most of what happened earlier that day. There was no need to go into detail and intentionally hurt Him.
We both cried. I begged Daddy’s forgiveness for my foolishness and putting Him through the torture of my uncertainty. As always, Daddy was Daddy. He comforted me, told me everything is OK and just how much He loves me. It was my birthday last year that I totally committed to Daddy. I accepted His collar and He claimed me as His.
Last July, I flew back to meet Him. We talked about getting married with certainty, but no actual proposal or plan quite yet. Things moved so fast! We met on May 5th and I was collared on June 10th and by mid-July I was there in His arms as we planned our life together.
August and September felt like the longest 2 months of my life!!!! We talked for hours everyday. Some days one or the other of us would cry from the intensity of missing each other. Fortunately it was never both on the same day. In October, Daddy picked up His whole life and moved to California for His babygirl.
Holidays have passed. Anniversaries. We count May 5th as our anniversary of meeting and collaring. (We always knew I would accept!) We got married in February. Here we are exactly a year after I gave in and dropped the struggle to love Daddy.
Life isn’t perfect. We’ve had a couple of real struggles come up between us that I wasn’t real sure we were gonna make it through. In the end, it’s all about love. There’s no ugliness between us. He builds me up and takes care of me. He protects me from the world. Daddy adores me! I’m not perfect by far. I can be demanding and controlling at times not to mention my whiny, needy self. I love Daddy so much I do as much as I can to take care of Him and make Him happy. We laugh every single day. We snuggle and kiss every day. Not a day goes by that we don’t tell each other a hundred times how much we love each other. We work together, compromise and when it’s time, I stop and submit to Him… allow Him to be the Daddy and not fight it.
It’s been a long time since my life was consistently stable and I could honestly say I’m happy. Two years ago I was struggling to see that I would be OK after being emotionally, financially and sexually abused for the past 8 years. Now, I sit here reflecting back on these couple of years and see a stream of steady changes and choices which brought me to a point of true happiness.
Daddy and I have often joked that our mothers sat in heaven looking down on us and pushed us together. We both teater on the agnostic/atheist spectrum, yet both know that there was some kind of divine intervention putting us together at the exact moment we met.
Change is often a good thing! I’d not change the past if I could. It helped shape who I am today. I’ve learned a lot. I’m certainly grateful for the changes in the last couple of years. Once again, this babygirl has flown from the ashes of destruction like a Phoenix to soar in grace again. Daddy is most certainly a part of that! I’m remembering the struggles and the tears last year… and loving Daddy all that much more!
2 thoughts on “How thing change”
Great post 🙂
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Like you stated, change can be a good thing. And sometimes it just takes a leap of faith. I am glad that you are now in what sounds like a loving relationship 🙂
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