There are so many things in life I thought I could never have or do. I was raised by a single mother who was so afraid of failure that would never try for things. She brainwashed me with this sickness for the early part of my life. She squelched my dreams and opportunities because she was too afraid to dream herself. She was unable to imagine that more was possible. That failure was not imminent, but one of two possible outcomes was far beyond what she could see herself… and certainly not for me. In her mind, she was protecting me from embarrassment and hurt, as her mother did to her. By my early twenties, I was already making things happen for myself she could not imagine.
When helping me pay for college seemed out of reach for her, she insisted that I got to a junior college. I worked my way through those two years of college living at home and working a part time job to pay for school. I applied to a private Catholic college near home. She tried to tell me it wouldn’t happen. I went anyway. I soared and reached the top of my class in nearly all subjects.
When I was diagnosed with a major mental illness in my mid twenties which put my life on hold for a few years as I learned to live with it and manage my moods and behaviors. She was told I’d never be able to have relationships, work again, finish school, or have any real life from that point on she grieved the daughter she had right in front her fighting to get back on track.
I went on to return to the university and finish my degree. I found my way into a career in mental health services where I was able to share my unique perspective on mental illness and help fight stigmas from the inside. I went on to have long time friendships, my own apartment, and marriages.
I have not succeeded at everything I’ve attempted, by far! I love the attitude that a failure is only an opportunity to regroup and try again. Most successful people have many failures along the way. Somehow, I was born with this attitude deep down in my bones. I forget at times, but I always find my way back.
The last few years have set me back to a point I thought I’d never see again. Ruined marriage to a drunken abusive man. Friendships lost. My self-esteem was non-existent. My mental health was so far below my baseline, I thought I’d never see my way back. I lost everything, including my mother, in the past 5 years.
Today I sit at my laptop in a home that is paid for married to a man who loves me to bits. I have a few new friendships I’m developing. My boundaries are clearer than ever before. I have hope for the life I have left to live. I have risen once again from the depths of Hell to success. My life may not be everyone’s dream, but who’s is. I love the life I have.
Mr. McDaddy and I have come to a nice place in our relationship and life together. A point of stability where I am telling Him it’s OK to dream. Things are possible if we want them enough. A reminder that we have both risen many times from points of destruction that have left many others unable to get back up.
So we are looking to move cross country. Back East where it’s home for Him and a new adventure for me. We have the opportunity to buy the home of our dreams paid for in cash. We have the ability to travel and retire early if that’s what we choose. We are at a place in our lives where we have opportunities available to us we have only dreamed of. All we have to do is let go and trust. Something I’ve always been better at than most.
Before my mom died, she told me how she was always amazed at how I’m not afraid to take the plunge and jump for what I want not always knowing how I’m going to make it work. She was astonished that I have a faith in life and my survival so deep that I don’t worry about if things don’t work. I traveled to a third world country by myself because I wanted to. I’d never been outside of the US in my life. As everyone sat there worried to death and afraid I’d never make it back, I told mom that I would rather die in an adventure trying for something I wanted than to never do anything at all and always be left wondering. Obviously my trip was successful. I made back in tact. I saw things and experienced things I never could have if I’d stayed at home waiting for the world to come to me afraid that I might fail.
So, what is our dream to be? Travel the world while we’re young and healthy enough to enjoy it? Move across the country to start a whole new life there? Or, is it to be happy where we are and settle into our routine of working and blogging with our kinky times in the mix? There is adventure left in this girl. I will forever have Wanderlust.
All I know for sure is that whatever dreams we decide on are totally within reach if we only try.