It took me many years to figure out I’m bisexual. In my teens I knew I had an unfamiliar draw to girls in my class. I didn’t put it together until I was about 20. I wasn’t ready to act on it. I honestly didn’t even really know that it was a thing. Of course, I’d heard the words lesbian and dyke, etc. I kind of knew what they meant, but not totally. In the suburbs back in the 1980s homosexuality just wasn’t talked about. Certainly not in my household!!!
I met a hot lesbian girl, K, on an online dating site when I was 26. We dated for quite some time. That’s when I knew for sure that what I was feeling was sexual attraction. I was too afraid and inhibited to act on the feelings. When she put the moves on, I got so nervous that I’d not know what to do that I asked her to drive me home. lol Hindsight… ah! Well, it wasn’t in the cards with K.
A number of boyfriends later and about 5 years, I met a girl in an eating disorder group, of all places. J and I had an instant attraction. We had a lot in common, not just the eating disorder. lol She was out and had been for years. We spent the better part of the next 8 months together every waking moment possible. I had my first girl love. It was with J that I came out. I struggled to find my place. Am I lesbian? Am I bisexual? After a few years, it became clear to me that I am 100% bisexual. Things with J didn’t work out for a million reasons, but the time was special and I learned a great deal about myself.
After things ended with J, I spent the next 7 years celibate and entrenched in the LGBTQ community. I learned so much about friendship from the gay men. I also saw first hand the hardships of being homosexual.
The things my family said to me where awful. I was told I couldn’t see my niece and nephews alone because I was unstable. I was told I was going through a phase and I’d run off with the next guy who came along and patted my ass. I was told I could not talk about my life, my friends, activities where anyone would hear. I was a blemish on my mother’s good name. The questions I got asked where atrocious! This was only my experience. The stories I heard from my friends were far worse. Even still, the gay men a little older than I am have stories that rattle my cage and hurt my heart to no end.
I’ve had girlfriends since J and a husband, too. I “look straight” and since I fell in love with a man, the assumptions are that I’m straight. The other alternative is that I’ve settled for a man when what I really want is a woman. Even within the LGBTQ community there is misunderstanding and harshness towards others. It’s sad indeed.
I am totally committed and monogamous with my husband. This will not change. That doesn’t change the fact that I am still attracted to women. I fantasize about women. On the rare occasions I watch porn, I watch girl on girl only. These things do not take away from my love and attraction to my awesome husband. I am truly bisexual.
Every June, all of these feelings come crashing over me at some point. The reminder of the struggle of my friends, the hatred which is still rampant in our communities. The struggle for equality and acceptance continues. I live an outwardly heterosexual life with the heart of a bi girl waving the flag for us all.
My hope is that one day gender identity and sexuality won’t be issues. I, too, struggle to understand as the kids are all gender fluid and sapiosexual, to name only two. They are picking up the better parts of humanity in a way which is hard for me to understand, even as a part of the LGBTQ community, to move toward acceptance and tolerance. I look at the millennials and try to see that they are the hope for the future of what the community wants.