I have prided myself on losing 120 pounds and maintaining it for about 10 years now. I spent almost all of my life being grossly obese and having little to no body related self-esteem. I had an eating disorder that started at the tender age of 11 which spanned into my 40s.

In the last year I’ve gained 10 pounds. I get it off and then put it almost immediately back on. It’s beginning to hit all sorts of buttons for me. I say I should just accept that I’ve gained a little. Tell myself I’m happily married and enjoying life so I’ve put on a few pounds. I can’t do that if I’m honest with myself. It’s starting to impact my self-esteem and trigger my old eating disordered behaviors and thinking.

It’s more than just the number on the scale. It’s what these particular extra 10 pounds do to how my body feels. I start losing some of my flexibility, back pain increases, it’s harder to have sex in any position I want. Plus, my clothes don’t fit well. I don’t like how my body looks. I’m no longer comfortable in my own skin. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way.

Let’s get down to part of the reason my weight is up. I’m gluten intolerant which goes hand-in-hand with dairy, soy and sugar intolerance. That’s quite a limited diet to maintain long term! I’ve literally had a doctor ask me what I eat. I laughed and he said he was serious. What do you eat? Therein lies the problem. The initial side effect of eating gluten for me is water retention. One bite and I’ve instantly retained 3-4 pounds of water. If I go a day or two, or heaven forbid longer, I retain up to 13 pounds of water weight. 13 pounds of water for eating a sandwich or going out to eat with my husband. Maintaining this diet requires that I cook everything myself, read labels like a hawk prior to purchasing, plan my meals in advance.

The battle inside my head is mix of the weight and how my body looks and feels coupled with doing what’s good for my body and not wanting to commit once again to that insanely restricted diet. I know wholeheartedly how much better I feel all around when my diet is clean. There is no question!!!

Fuck this gluten intollerance!!! It’s pissed me off for years now. I’m angry that I’m eating healthy (for someone without gluten intolerance) yet I’m carrying around this extra 10 pounds of weight. I hate this!!!

I’ve been through the battle of being gluten intolerant many times before I go back to clean eating. Being nearly pain free, having my bowels function properly, getting the figure back I’m comfortable in, reduced anxiety and an energy boost. Hell, why wouldn’t I do it?! If only it were that simple. Living a 100% dairy, soy, sugar and gluten free life is a bigger challenge that one could possibly know. I don’t do it by choice, but by necessity.